tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30284632089015147172024-03-08T03:33:46.054-08:00Keeping Up With The McElhannonsUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger419125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3028463208901514717.post-52168393039489268292016-01-12T13:03:00.001-08:002016-01-12T13:03:59.266-08:00restoration, ya'llI have not written here in awhile. A little over 2 months actually.<br />
Several factors play into why....<br />
The holidays were hard. Nothing was the same. Everything felt rushed. I couldn't pull off everything I wanted to pull off and that was disheartening. Things just felt forced. But we smiled, enjoyed things in a different way and we got through it. The boys did fine and I survived. But, to be honest I couldn't wait for it to be over. January 1st couldn't get here fast enough. I took the tree down and put everything away on Dec 26th. My precious in laws took the kids for the week between Christmas and New Years and I just decompressed and recovered. Recovered from the past 9 months....and actually the past 4.5 years. I took 5 days to be quiet, rest, reflect and be still. I spent a little time with friends and a lot of time under my covers. It wasn't a sad hideaway under my covers like the first months following Justin's passing. It was a different kind of hibernation. It was a <i>restoration. </i><br />
<br />
God provides restoration to his people over and over and over in the Bible. Dark and wicked places become once again filled with His light. When the Lord spoke to Jeremiah about the wasted land that had become of the towns of Judah, He assured that joy and gladness would be experienced again by those who loved Him. The people that looked to Him would experience abundant peace. His people would be <i>restored.</i> He would bestow compassion to His people even when they felt darkness all around them.<br />
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Let me say this...I haven't felt abandoned in the desolate darkness by ANY stretch of the imagination. I have never felt forgotten (I do HAVE had to be reminded of that on many occasions though). I have had the hope tank run a little low at times, but I have continuously been replenished by His goodness. I have sat in dark and weary times and I will sit in plenty more, but His light and His promises and His restoration will ALWAYS be enough. No matter the circumstance, no matter how big or small we feel it may be...our restoration is promised. God's word to Jeremiah reminds me that the darkness can overcome, but it is never to late to turn to His light.<br />
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Grief is quite the complexity for a one syllable little word. It is full of twists and turns and unexpected feelings. And the most surprising thing about it...is just how dang GOOD grief can be. When you see it, feel it and experience it for what it truly is. When you let go of the idea of it being a 12 step program. When you grasp the incredible individualism of it. When you let it be what it is and not something to move past or get over...well, freedom just seems like an understatement. Even restoration takes on a whole new meaning.<br />
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I don't believe that I will be fully restored until I enter the gates of Heaven. BUT, I have allowed myself to witness earthly restoration in some pretty big ways and I can definitely say for the first time in a VERY long time...that I am excited about tomorrow. I am looking into the eyes of my kids and seeing life and hope and perseverance in a new way. I am taking a page from the book of a 6 to 10 year old mind and standing firm in believing that what is in front of my face is GOOD. I am not looking behind in this moment or ahead in this moment...just AT this moment. I don't know any other way to experience God NOW if I don't look at NOW.<br />
<br />
As I enter a new season of my life...I am not sure what the future of this blog holds. I have lots that I want to write about and so many things I want to share about this journey...but He hasn't shown me exactly what that is going to look like. It may be here, but I just don't know. I am MORE than honored, encouraged and incredibly humbled by those who have come alongside us at ANY point of this. It has been a long long road.<br />
<br />
The route is changing up a bit. There are more detours and pot holes and inconvenient amounts of traffic ahead...but the road is taking me and my little Macs somewhere really good, and I am sincerely excited to see where that may be. ** Disclaimer - As far as I know...this road isn't taking us out of town lol. So calm down - this road is just a metaphor lol) Our healing journey is not complete and I am so glad for that. We will never check "Justin" off the list as something we "got over" - we will never ever get over him. We will never stop honoring him and being grateful for every minute we had him in our lives. It's not everyday you get to do life with someone like JMac.<br />
<br />
xoxo<br />
<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3028463208901514717.post-73310766847337207522015-11-10T14:37:00.001-08:002015-11-10T14:37:27.716-08:00JMAC turns 33Today is a day of celebration. We celebrate the life of Justin. His legacy. His children. His moments here on earth and his new life in Heaven. We celebrate his achievements, his laughter, his love for others and his potty mouth. If Justin was a part of your life, he changed you. He showed you a way of living that made your head spin and your heart smile. He showed you what it looked like to OPENLY seek Christ, to HUMBLY learn to put God first...and to look good while doing it.<br />
12 years ago today I talked someone into giving me floor seats so I could take Justin to his first NBA game. The next year on his birthday I took him on his first airplane ride. And the next year we drank margaritas with our best friends at our rehearsal dinner.<br />
Yup, that means tomorrow is our wedding anniversary. We didn't have the perfect marriage. We didn't raise the perfect kids. We didn't have the biggest house or the fanciest cars. But, we sure did have a blast. We walked alongside each other through new jobs, new friends, finishing college, that time when we got our electricity shut off two months in a row and slept by the fireplace (one of my FAVE memories ever), new houses, more kids, big ideas, lots of traffic tickets, and sickness.<br />
I never gave up on him and he most definitely never gave up on me.<br />
He showed me a kind of love that I didn't know a thing about. And together we learned about the greatest love of all...the love of Jesus.<br />
Today is hard and tomorrow will be harder, but these are just a few of the firsts that we are gonna need to get through over the next few months.<br />
There isn't a widow playbook that can prepare you for these types of things. It is too personal for anyone to be able and map out for you. But, it is survivable.<br />
Knowing that Justin is whole with Jesus puts a smile on my face. Knowing that his kids know very much how loved they are by their daddy puts a smile on my face. Knowing that he would tell me to shut down this sappy post and have a margarita for him makes my face AND my heart smile.<br />
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I wanted to write more about the bears, but God always messes up the plans of what I want to write about. Like every time. Anyways, in the fog of those first few days after he passed...I managed to gather some of his favorite dress shirts and pass them along to a friend. This dear friends mama turned those shirts into the very most precious gift of all. The boys got to choose their Daddy Bear last night and they will now have just one more sweet reminder of their daddy, this time in the shape of a teddy bear. We shed tears and snuggled some bears and laughed about how daddy may not be real happy about his shirts being cut up. JMac keeps us laughing...that is for sure.<br />
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A daddy bear...</div>
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And a little old school love to make you smile...</div>
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3028463208901514717.post-70474046570585627452015-09-01T05:36:00.001-07:002015-09-01T05:37:15.099-07:00the tattoo <br />
I love talking about Justin. I love hearing stories about him from friends. I love seeing him through the boys eyes as they share how they remember him. It is surreal to hear from other people how JMac impacted their life...to know that the dude I planned to live my entire life with was not just awesome to those who lived with him. His high energy, sometimes over the top, honest and bold personality touched many.<br />
Some days it takes everything I have to NOT think of him every minute. Not that there is anything wrong with thinking of him constantly...but the rest of the world hasn't skipped a beat. It has continued to turn and my resilient children are non stop action. School has started, sports have started, all the fall things have begun. I make time for my heart to sit still, but sometimes the loneliness & grief creeps in unexpectedly and takes my breath away. Filling out a quick form for flag football, emergency contact info at the dentist, that dreaded widow box at a new doctors visit...my person isn't here. My emergency contact is gone.<br />
Even though it has only been 5 months, I want to steer my heart and brain (the best I can) to what is eternal. These past 5 months feel eternal, the healing time ahead feels eternal...but it IS NOT. My brain can't even begin to understand eternity. It overwhelms me to even try. This grief thing is hard...and while there is no wrong or right way to grieve...I have made plenty of mistakes. I have lost focus a few times and that has been and will continue to be the biggest set back in any healing.<br />
One way that I have decided to take a step forward in focusing on the joy in Justin's return to his forever home and the hope in what is to come for me...is a tattoo. Yup, the permanent kind.<br />
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Don't worry. This decision was NOT made hastily. In fact I came across this word about a year ago. I loved finding a word that described a way I felt. Hiraeth is a Welsh word that has no exact english translation. It describes a longing for a home and a "forever" that I have yet to experience. When I have a longing for my marriage to Justin, I can remember that my forever is with him in Heaven...not here. And the semi colon...a semi colon is placed in a sentence when the writer chooses not to end the sentence. (yeah yeah, i know stuff about grammar even though my blogs don't typically reflect that!) The sentence just isn't quite over, so a period is not appropriate. The loss that I feel is real. The life that I miss is excruciating. The pain that I feel literally hurts. BUT my life isn't over. I may not be ready to lace up my boots and hit the ground running. I may not even be ready to put on my boots yet. In fact, I may not even know where my boots are right now, but I will continue to honor the legacy of JMac by LIVING LIFE. I'll find those super cute metaphorical boots by taking it one day at a time. Remembering Justin, honoring him and trusting Jesus. And for now, I have a new tattoo for my dad to roll his eyes at.<br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3028463208901514717.post-39558704830280381742015-08-19T09:20:00.001-07:002015-08-19T09:20:23.100-07:00widow stuffI am a widow.<br />
Just as I am a female and a mother. I am a widow.<br />
You wouldn't believe how many forms have a box to check for WIDOW.<br />
Its like a punch in the gut when I see that word and check that box.<br />
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I am sure I could leave it blank and nobody would ever care....I mean WHY do they even ask? Unless they plan to give me a discount and a cookie, then it is IRRELEVANT man!<br />
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I just returned from my first family vacation since April 6th. <i>A family vacation. </i><br />
It basically felt like a lot of days out of town where I had to wake up every morning and check a widow box and then continue to check it every hour on the hour and sometimes every couple minutes just for laughs.<br />
<i><br /></i>
I mean...I am exaggerating obviously (its what I do), but I was definitely constantly reminded of the giant Justin sized hole in our trip.<br />
I didn't even try to take a family picture. It honestly didn't occur to me until after the fact.<br />
<br />
We had a lot of fun. We laughed a lot and made new exciting memories. We did things we have never done before...like surfing! We ate too much, got lots of sun and made the best of our time.<br />
The boys talked about Justin constantly. Much more than they do on regular days at home. That was both very sweet and comforting and very hard and sad.<br />
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I want to talk about him all the time too. I want to tell him everything. Show him everything. Experience everything with him. He was the most fun guy I have ever known. But, I don't have the carefree heart of a child. I don't bounce back quite as easily as they do. Their resilience is so beautiful.<br />
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We passed the 4 month mark. Life is feeling different every day. The reality that nothing will ever be the same is pretty much set it...and not just with me, but with the boys as well. We will still have good days, great memories and moments ahead...but they will all be very different than what they would have been if JMac was here. I am so grateful that his large personality left a mark on each of us so we can forever have pieces of him (especially through brax). There are many parts of me that feel the sting of it JUST happening. It feels like 4 minutes ago. And then sometimes it feels like it has been an eternity. I had been slowly grieving the loss of my husband for a long long time.<br />
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Hear me say this, JMac was a top notch husband and father until his last breath. Literally, he gave it his all...which was quite a bit for a man that was dying. He wasn't perfect and I certainly wasn't either, but I am quite sure he died with very few, if any, regrets.<br />
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I have begun to "awaken" from the fog. I feel more clear headed...I am no longer numb. The shock is gone, the reality is set in and while I surely don't see a light at the end of the tunnel...I do now recognize that we did not all die alongside Justin.<br />
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I still don't leave the house much. I avoid HEB at all costs. I want to stick to surrounding myself with "safe" people. But, things are continuing to awaken. I am speaking to God in thankfulness again and not strictly in desperation. I am seeing sovereignty in things that I was positive couldn't have a light upon them. I am getting in a routine and getting a grip ya'll, because...Jesus.<br />
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I will end with this: a couple weeks after JMac died I text a fellow widower and said "I DO NOT SEE A LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL" - his response "STOP LOOKING"<br />
I am not going to lie...I wanted to jump through the phone and punch him in the face. I NEED A LIGHT! How can I know what to look forward to if I can't see the dang light!?<br />
But, here is what I have recently realized.<br />
I can't see that freaking light....because I don't know what it looks like. I can't recognize it, because I have never seen it before. It shines before me, but it is strange and unknown to me...so I can't see it.<br />
I will see it and know it and feel it when the time is right. Until then, I will follow His word which is a light to my feet to navigate me through this path (psalm 119:105)...I can only see my feet right now. They are dragging along, I don't know where they are going, my shoes are on the wrong feet...but they are moving. And they are being moved in accordance to his word.<br />
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xoxoUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3028463208901514717.post-51794144188801414502015-07-08T10:09:00.001-07:002015-07-08T10:14:06.602-07:00quickie on blessings I love reading about old Jewish customs and traditions. Mostly because it gives me a glimpse of what Jesus and his buddies were really up to, but it also helps me understand scripture in a different way. We are three months out from Justin's exit from this earth. 93 days without him... it feels like 1 million. In the old city of Jerusalem there is a Wailing Wall (its construction dates back to around 19 BC) which was/is considered one of the holiest places for Jews to turn for blessings and prayer. I have spent time studying the word <i>blessing </i>plenty over the years because I personally think it is the most misused word in the entire english language, or in the Christian-ese language anyhow. Bless means to give thanks or to kneel. Kneel down in praise and give thanks to the LORD. So the blessing before a meal is intended to thank the Lord for the food before you...not to ask God to thank it for you. Make sense? It's ok if it doesn't, just bear with me.<br />
So, when I first heard about this Wailing Wall I thought hmmm that would be nice. A designated place to just go LET IT ALL OUT. Just roll up, do the deed and be on with your day. And just as I was convinced this one stop shop would just really be convenient and how dare I not live in Jerusalem to walk more closely in the footsteps of my savior...BAM. Holy Spirit.<br />
That guy can mess up a pity party like its nobodies business. He reminded me in that moment of mourning my beloved Wailing Wall that when the temple veil was torn I no longer needed a VIP pass to my king. He is present always. And no matter my circumstance I am to praise (BLESS) him always. Whether I am curled up in a ball longing for my husband...the father of my three children to be with us, if even for a moment, or I am catching a glimpse of joy in our circumstances and seeing and feeling His mercy and grace...BOTH are an opportunity to bless my Lord.<br />
And in those times when I am way too immature and mad and flustered to muster up the words...I put on this song and it does it for me. And I can lay there and pout and let the Spirit intercede for me.<br />
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<i>Bless the Lord oh my soul, oh my soul </i><br />
<i>Worship His Holy name</i><br />
<i>Sing like never before, oh my soul </i><br />
<i>I'll worship your Holy name </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
How generous is He? He didn't give me a wall...He gave me so much more. I am living hour by hour right now. Nothing feels normal and everything feels empty. But, the more time I invest in finding things to thank Him for...the more GOOD I find. His ways are so great and so majestic and so so much bigger than my silly little brain. <b>Bless you Lord for rescuing me. Every. Single. Day. </b><br />
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• This link leads to what has been my most read post in 2015...I love looking back and seeing pieces of the story coming together. I wrote this just 5 days before Justin passed. My God is relentless! <a href="http://keepingupwiththemcelhannons.blogspot.com/2015/04/is-death-scary.html">http://keepingupwiththemcelhannons.blogspot.com/2015/04/is-death-scary.html</a>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3028463208901514717.post-48264920304732364172015-06-01T17:24:00.001-07:002015-06-01T17:24:31.150-07:00Planting DaddyJustin was sick for 4 years. Every piece of those 1,460 days HE FOUGHT. He fought so hard. We went from what felt like the ends of the earth to make sure he was getting his best chance to defeat these diseases. I had ups and downs, highs and lows, moments of the greatest faith and moments of full fledged basket case. Justin never wavered. Never. <div>
During the time that Justin was sick we made moments available to talk about the what ifs. We had healthy dialogue about specific wishes for his funeral, just in case one day I had to plan it. He didn't love talking about it, because his mind saw only LIFE. But, he humored me because he knew I would want to honor him in the very best way could that moment arise. I mean....I had also forced him to talk about our 25th wedding anniversary party, our kids graduation parties and our 50th birthdays. So, it wasn't like an out of the ordinary thing for me to ask questions about a life event that may not have come for another 80 years. </div>
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I am so very glad that we shared those conversations. I second guessed NOT ONE SINGLE thing in the planning process of Justin's Celebration of Life. He was honored from beginning to end in the most incredible ways and I felt such peace in how it all turned out. </div>
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I am not a big funeral fan. I mean, who is?? But, I for real don't go to them. I planned and went to my moms, I went to my best friends dads and then there was Justin's. I can barely remember if there were maybe a couple others throughout my life. If I have any tiny excuse to miss a funeral...I am using it. </div>
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Every single person I know deals with death/loss/grief/funerals differently. </div>
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For me...the moment I sang into Justin's ear a sweet worship song, held his hand tight, told him how much I loved him and kissed him on the lips as he slipped away from this earth...he was gone. The body that I slept next to for the past 10 years and the body that I had held tightly for that last 24 hours IMMEDIATELY became just a shell. Just a remnant of a person who was now healed. For me, it finished right there. I quietly got up and left the room...it was finished. For me, that was the last time I wanted to see his earthly body. I wanted to only picture him exclusively walking with Christ, in a perfect body....too precious and beautiful to even try and fully imagine. </div>
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Justin had made me promise that I would not plop his remains on the fireplace to sit around and be an awkward conversation piece. He didn't want to be buried and I didn't want to just dump him out somewhere. (side note...all of these are wonderful and fabulous options. how boring if we all did the same thing?) Anyways, I did some research and come across the Bios Urn. The Bios Urn is a biodegradable urn that you plant in the ground along with the seeds to a tree....essentially a memorial tree, but with the ashes included. I don't have like a super green thumb...so to be safe I purchased two. One to be planted here at our new home and one to be planted at the Frio House. </div>
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I tried to make the planting of one of the seeds a "thing" - I thought it would be so beautiful to plant this seed with our closest friends. We would pray over this place and this seed and we would honor JMac one more time. </div>
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But then, the Boerne monsoon arrived. I cancelled the planting twice due to crazy weather. It was a hard decision to make because I so badly wanted to share this moment with our people, but I am so grateful....because that sweet little maple seed would have been washed right away. </div>
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Today...on a whim I decided to grab the boys and plant that sweet baby maple seed. Just the four of us sat together, we talked about the "dust" as we poured half of it into the one of the Bios Urns. We talked about sweet memories of daddy while we filled the pot with dirt. We prayed over the seed and we prayed over daddy's life. We thanked God repeatedly for allowing us to have Justin...even if we felt the time was cut way way too short. We took turns praying and sharing and then we made a nice little schedule for watering it...because you better believe that adorable, precious, way sweet moment broke out into a full on brother war regarding who would water the tree when. Because, well we are just real people. </div>
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We planted the tree in a pot and when we feel like it is strong enough we will transfer it into the ground. Please pray for our sweet little seed. We would love to watch that seed grow into the most gorgeous maple tree there ever was. And if not...well there is a back up seed in the pantry. </div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3028463208901514717.post-11093524067342647702015-05-23T15:14:00.000-07:002015-05-23T15:14:23.948-07:00The Big DayIt is so hard to gather my thoughts and sit down to write. Even in my private journal....there are just too many thoughts! Too many significant things that have happened. Too many humongous feelings that seem impossible to sort out.<br />
There are millions of things I want to share. Specific encounters with the holy spirit. The definition of community and how I have been carried through the last 6 weeks by the most servant hearted and loving people. I want to talk about my fears and anxieties in being around large groups of people...how in just the span of a day I went from the most extroverted extrovert around to the complete other side of the spectrum. And I will get to all those things. I want to share this journey. I want to heal through writing and sharing and even though there are 34895798473948 blogs to read these days...I pray that just one person who needs encouragement, is in the depths of despair, someone who has lost significantly will stumble upon this. There is so much grief, healing, fears to conquer, feelings to feel and so on and so forth. <b>There is hope ahead. It has been promised, ya'll. </b>So, for today I am going to share the story of Justin's Celebration of life. I am ready to process through that day here.<br />
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The days leading up to the funeral were blurry. So much had to be done, decisions made, money spent, endless tasks both big and little. A small group of girls sat at my kitchen table around the clock for DAYS handling detail after detail. The boys were taken shopping for suits, dresses were ordered for me to try on at home so I didn't have to leave the house, lots of starbucks flowed, the program and slideshow were designed beautifully, groceries were delivered, my boys were loved on, my bills and other chaotic financial tasks were handled, furniture for the new house was ordered, a filing system was created....I don't even know half of what these girls accomplished. They handled my entire life while I sat in my bed in a daze barely emerging to the kitchen once a day to "help" - {I am not sharing these names because I am selfish and I don't want to share my people with anyone. They are MINE, so back off. }<br />
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I hope to be able to show each of them this great love and offer myself fully and selflessly to them in a time where they need to be loved and taken care of. I most def pray the circumstances are NOT the same, but I feel like it is honestly an unreturnable favor. A gift too large to find words for a thank you note. So, keep your people close ya'll. Make sure your closest friends KNOW that they are your closest friends. Tell them. Right now.<br />
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Justin died on Monday afternoon and the service was planned for Friday at our home church, FBC Boerne. I thought Friday would take FOREVER to arrive, but I blinked...and it was time. Katie picked me up early...mostly so I could hide. I just knew that I wanted to keep it together for the service. I wanted to hear every word spoken about the greatest man I ever knew. Which meant...no eye contact could be made with pretty much ANYONE. Eye contact = me losing it. I was not ready to look into the eyes of others that loved him and see their loss too. It was just hard enough to look my boys in the eye. To see their hurt, confusion, naivety, and loss. That was about all I could take until the service was over. Our beautiful friend Laura sang songs that Justin told her himself were special to him accompanied by her dad, Phil - who also happened to be a special mentor in Justin's life. Our Pastor gave the most REAL testimony of his very special friendship with Justin. It was truth mixed with reality...and it was profound. Three very very special guys, Justin, Dru and Joseph poured their hearts into well thought out tributes to their very dear friend. They each shared very different stories, anecdotes and characteristics of Justin. But, the theme of his life was evident in all that was shared. Justin was passionate, compassionate, giving, hard working, fun, intentional, ambitious, spontaneous, loved the Lord and his family and was just flat out ONE OF A KIND. It was a beautiful service. It truly was a celebration of who he was and the painted a detailed portrait of the legacy he has left behind. And very most importantly...the Gospel was shared.<br />
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A sweet friend took these incredible pictures to help us all remember what a true celebration this day was. Justin was loved by many. </div>
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Our boys are loved so well by those really great guys that Justin surrounded himself with. </div>
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The pallbearers (which I chose to refer to as "JMacs Attendants") and the special guys that escorted our sons - honorary pallbearers (which I chose to call "Little Mac Attendants") each left the ceremony wearing JMac approved sunglasses. </div>
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Every detail was gorgeous. </div>
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Not only are my friends amazing...but they are creative and talented as well. </div>
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These are the boutonnieres each Attendant wore. </div>
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A table was set up to collect memories for each of the boys about their dad. </div>
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Another table with pictures and random favorites of Justin's (like a hunting vest, a favorite hat, an apple tv remote etc. lol) </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
So many people sent gorgeous flower arrangement, donated to Vault: Fostering Community in his name & donated money into the gofundme account and Jefferson Bank account for the boys. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
They will be so grateful in years to come to see that others poured into their college funds. </div>
<br />
<br />
I cannot finish this post without giving GREAT thanks to the Ebensberger-Fisher Funeral Home. I have planned only one other funeral and dealt with only one other great loss in my life (my mom) and I can tell you that my experience with this funeral home was daylight in the darkness to my last experience. They were so....kind. Loving. Respectful and Professional. They made me feel like a priority and they really heard and made happen the things that were important to me about this process. I never in my life WANTED to be recommending a funeral home...and I never thought I would say the process was an actual pleasure. But, read it here today folks. Dusty and JoLynn are the bees knees.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3028463208901514717.post-38112338156165837272015-04-24T09:31:00.001-07:002015-04-24T09:31:12.730-07:0018 days<div class="MsoNormal">
Friday night after the funeral I didn’t want to go home. Our
home was covered in things that reminded me of death and I just wanted to
escape that…just for a night. I kept getting all these text reminders that God
was with me. He was near to me in my broken place. And all I could do was lay
on the floor and cry….I didn’t want God near to me at that time. I wanted
Justin near to me. I wanted to feel loved and comforted by my husband. I wanted
to feel whole because Justin was next to me. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It has been 18 days since Justin went to be with Jesus. 18
very very very long days. I thought the days in middle school watching the
clock tick by during tests felt like long days….how naïve. These days feel like
eternity. 18 days of waking up and forcing myself out of bed. 18 days of being
a single parent. 18 days of being a widow. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Widow. A 30 year old, mom of three boys, WIDOW. Say that out
loud without a lump forming in your throat. I dare you. It is disgusting. I
hate that word. I have seen it in writing and next to my name and it infuriates
me. I AM MARRIED. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But, here is the thing. Justin’s life on earth has ended. I
feel like mine has ended. But, I have these three incredible boys who have so
much life left. I know I have lots of life left…but I am not ready to go there
yet. But, these boys. Gah. They lost their superhero. They lost the strongest
man they ever knew. They lost their movie watching partner. They lost their
daddy. We are 4 very different people grieving in 4 very<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>different ways. The mourning doesn’t look the
same, but it hurts just as deeply all around. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Right now we are creeping out of the shock phase. The
numbness is wearing off and…let me tell you, I would prefer to feel numb. We
are holding each other and falling asleep crying at night. We are joyfully
reminiscent, but painfully hurting. God has been RELENTLESS in showing up in
the dark with his LIGHT. Absolutely relentless. This is where we are:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not
comprehend it. – John 1:5 <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We are in such a very dark place. I am lost. I am hurting. I
can’t possibility in the good that He will bring from this. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Because we are in the
darkness, but his light overcomes that darkness. We don’t have to understand or
comprehend. It is just so. <o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgaQbkorsTrGm9xAgr9P2jxpnGzR8Tt0sru6xfY4d7EkfNepyI5k2wmDUVaKp0dnv1_9VBJ2AqXwmafgB9Q5cOiAeAlJdO1VuQZHk28rIywcBuYRoP9KQDWUspe6I8L2IRj2S1dPQvyASZ9/s1600/5bde92998adfba7ac624b92ff472a187.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgaQbkorsTrGm9xAgr9P2jxpnGzR8Tt0sru6xfY4d7EkfNepyI5k2wmDUVaKp0dnv1_9VBJ2AqXwmafgB9Q5cOiAeAlJdO1VuQZHk28rIywcBuYRoP9KQDWUspe6I8L2IRj2S1dPQvyASZ9/s1600/5bde92998adfba7ac624b92ff472a187.jpg" height="320" width="197" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><o:p><br /></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The glimpses of joy we find through pictures, decorating our
new home, kinder field trips, friends, beautiful and thoughtful gifts, crawfish
and dogs…are BIGGER than the darkness. Even though it doesn’t always feel that
way. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am sharing daily glimpses of his light via social media,
but I plan to sit and gather my thoughts here weekly. THANK YOU so much to
everyone who has loved on us. THANK YOU for donating to the boys account at
Jefferson Bank and on Go Fund Me. THANK YOU for dinners, laundry, laughs and
quality time. THANK YOU for registering for the ONE LESS RACE (<a href="http://www.onelessrace.com/">www.onelessrace.com</a>) and for your support
of Vault: Fostering Community. THANK YOU for honoring Justin. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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Next week will be the Celebration of Life recap. Spoiler
alert: It was freaking incredible. <o:p></o:p></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3028463208901514717.post-22770683959871334332015-04-13T20:10:00.000-07:002015-04-13T20:10:22.979-07:00one weekSo, I have had a lot of time to pray in the past 172 hours. Actually, praying is all I really can do well right now. 172 hours ago I kissed the love of my life for the very last time. After that kiss, he let go of his life here on earth and jumped straight into the arms of Jesus. No doubt he made a GRAND entrance. If I sit very still...I can hear the rejoicing and see his body whole, healed and perfect.<br />
But, if I sit still and quiet for too long...that beautiful noise leaves me and I am left with only the the sound of my tears hitting my blankets and sobs so deep I can barely recognize that they are coming from me.<br />
Through some of my prayer time I have felt affirmation in doing this. And by that I mean...writing through this experience. Processing some (not all, because that may be scary) of my grief and navigation through this awful time. I feel 100% sure that some of it will make sense, some of it won't, lots of it will be sad, all of it will honor my husband and every bit of it will be healing.<br />
There are 4 people that live in the Mac Shack now....and we are all dealing with the loss of Justin very differently.<br />
If you are new to this journey then I encourage you to read these few posts that will really give you a broad recap of this 4 year story. Read a couple of posts from late May/early June of 2011. Opportunity from November 2012, Surrender from March 2013, Dancing with Justin and Needing God more than Ever from Jan 2014 and my latest post which is copied below. (Uh, sorry I am not smart enough to tag the links to those....I am doing my best to just sit up straight in my bed right now.)<br />
I am not a professional writer and I never intend to be. I don't proofread my posts. No time for that...I never have and I am not going to start now that I have a larger following...so if typos upset you then this is not the place for you. But, if truth is your thing...then welcome.<br />
You can also surely jump in without catching up on the previous posts.<br />
<br />
Justin did not initially love my blog, but it grew on him and it became something he was very proud of. I have intentions of updating it, making it less amateur looking...but I can't remember if I have washed my hair since the day of the funeral so I should slow my roll on those ambitions.<br />
<br />
You can visit Justin's obit here: <a href="http://www.ebensberger-fisher.com/Obituary-Of-Justin-Allen-McElhannon/1587">http://www.ebensberger-fisher.com/Obituary-Of-Justin-Allen-McElhannon/1587</a><br />
<br />
There are millions of ways to love on us from now until who knows when. I can't wait to share how we have experienced community like nobodies biz. Right now, there is a close knit group handling everything. Literally. Everything. If you feel called to love on the boys financially there has been an account set up at Jefferson Bank in Boerne or you can make a contribution here: <a href="http://www.gofundme.com/r83njc">http://www.gofundme.com/r83njc</a><br />
<br />
<br />
I don't know what the coming posts will look like, but I do know God will honor my obedience in this journey and He will continue to show his face through my time in writing...He has never failed to reveal great things to me through this silly blog.<br />
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEif0O36kUt2DG_1-9xXrDO4QZK9A2foI_jNdC5zc0Z_dUzK2SwZhuEcV7ipN_rlkE2VjQL3-PFiiqX7TdpuiHNkIPnr0pn_Hp33XGOjbzwVKTwgvKV4G0G-kJzAxRTjKxpFZdKU6fQnUJpT/s1600/IMG_2023.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEif0O36kUt2DG_1-9xXrDO4QZK9A2foI_jNdC5zc0Z_dUzK2SwZhuEcV7ipN_rlkE2VjQL3-PFiiqX7TdpuiHNkIPnr0pn_Hp33XGOjbzwVKTwgvKV4G0G-kJzAxRTjKxpFZdKU6fQnUJpT/s1600/IMG_2023.jpg" height="320" width="245" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
I wrote this following post with Justins prompting 5 days before his death.<br />
<br />
<div>
When someone becomes pregnant, they have about 9 months to prepare for the birth of the baby. Sometimes that feels like eternity and sometimes that feels like just NOT long enough! Preparing for a life is a really big deal! Families that adopt often wait for months or even years preparing for their future child. There is paperwork to fill out, appointments to go to, names to choose, books to read, rooms to decorate, classes to attend and so on. Preparing for birth or the placement of a child is a very exciting time! There are showers and parties and registries and so much preparation! </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
The preparation for death, however is not nearly that exciting. There is an element of excitement, no doubt, because HELLO...Jesus. The after party of this life is far better than the hotel lobby...it's technically what we have been waiting for since the moment we were born. To be reunited with our Creator. To feel no more pain...to be whole...to sit at His feet. Gah. I take it back. It is more exciting. It is just too much for the human brain to comprehend. And he created it that way. Our mighty God made heaven a place that our earthly brains just can't even fathom. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
There aren't death showers or death scrapbooks. I mean maybe some people do that...but not anyone I know. There surely are ways to prepare for death. There are plenty of pamphlets and articles and opinions on how to do so with dignity, with finished business and closure. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
And then there is this majestic and truth filled book called the Bible. And wow does it prepare us for death, dare I say FAR more than it prepares us for birth. HE is the resurrection and the LIFE. What a miracle birth is....but through HIM we experience LIFE. Through death we approach God who breathed life into us in the first place. Our true citizenship remains in heaven. This earth is a sweet place for us to experience His grace, mercy and gifts...but what lies ahead is far more of a gift than any moment of pleasure we may experience here. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Why am I talking about all this? Because, after four. FOUR. <b>FOUR. </b>Years of watching my husband FIGHT. Persevere. Defy all odds. Shock doctors. LIVE. Four years of traveling to the country's best doctors, trying chemo, new medications, finding (in our own sweet little town nonetheless) a doctor that would manage and fight for Justins life like it was his very own, beginning the frightening stage of hospice...it has really been a LOT. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
We have lost friends, welcomed friends, felt lost, felt hurt, felt found and embraced and redeemed. We have seen God remove things that needed to go and fill those gaps with beauty only He is capable of. We have seen LIFE in a way that I wouldn't have asked for...because it has been HARD. But, don't you dare ask me to trade it for anything. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
We have entered a new season. Honestly, we entered this new season last January when Justin's prognosis became far beyond any doctors imagination. He became one of those rare cases that was just a big fat question mark to doctors. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Justin has never once been a question mark to his creator. Justin was placed on this earth for a very specific reason. He has lived a life that many wouldn't envy. He has suffered more than others would desire. But, let me just tell you...JMacs life has SCREAMED the presence of Jesus to me and my three boys like its nobodies business. He is leaving behind a legacy for those three young men that can't be replicated. He has lived a unique and passionate life. He has failed, lost, succeeded and seen the beauty of the holy spirit in a way that I for one just flat out yearn to experience. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Justin has entered what is referred to as the active dying phase. This is hospice lingo for...time is running out. Justin has accepted this phase. Has he thrown in the towel? Has he allowed satan to win? Has he lost faith? NOPE. And if you feel that he alone has the power to declare something over God's will for Him...then I challenge you to show up on my doorstep and have that conversation with me. I will have my bible opened and I will show you that God begs us to fear HIM...NOT DEATH. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I take my Bible very seriously. I recognize the parts that are to be taken literally and the parts that are not. I sure don't have a degree in theology..but I have seen death without Christ. I have seen miracles right before my eyes. I have watched my own son be brought from death to life in the midst of significant spiritual warfare. I have seen the most firm believers suffer and wait and hurt. I have seen non believers experience Christ's very real presence. I have seen God's truth in REAL LIFE. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
We have entered a new season. We have been here for awhile, but it has been hard to swallow and admit. Justin has accepted his phase of dying. He isn't defeated by satans lies, y'all. He is comforted by the TRUTH that our God wrote for him. For all of us. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
This new season is a time for extreme intention. It is a time for closure and a time to respect the firm belief we have in Christ's sovereign plan and for privacy in the Mac Shack. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Justin could have another year on this earth or he could have a mere 2 weeks. That is NOT up to us. What IS up to us is that we can honor every moment that God provides Him. Salvation is not something satan can take from him. He knows what awaits him...and we hate the hurt we will feel with him gone, but man are we embracing the wholeness of what lies ahead for our most favorite guy. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
If you are looking a way to love on our family or encourage us here are some ideas...</div>
<div>
- Speak truth. </div>
<div>
- Allow Justin to experience closure and be comforted in the fact that in a blink of an eye his family will be by his side in the majestic kingdom. </div>
<div>
- Email things you would like him to hear or remember to mistymac2@yahoo.com and I will be very sure that he reads it. </div>
<div>
- Respect this very precious time that our family needs to be "hunkered down" </div>
<div>
- Realize that TALKING about death DOES NOT make it happen. We know our words are powerful, but our God is MORE powerful than anything we posses. Text or email your encouragement to him. </div>
<div>
- Make him laugh. </div>
<div>
- Have grace for us. There are tons of articles and blogs and packets to "help" us navigate this season...but we prefer to allow the holy spirit to lead. That means listening to Him at the last second, planning less and living in the flesh as little as possible. </div>
<div>
- Don't pretend you would know how to navigate this if you aren't in our shoes. Please. </div>
<div>
- Pray for us. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
We love every person who has kept up with the macs. It has been an honor to watch the followers of this blog grow from 15 to over 25,000 in just a few short years. You guys are Team Mac and we just couldn't walk this walk without y'all....because somedays when I am too weary to pray or too afraid to cry or too tired to face the facts...YOU stand in the gap. Because our Father really knew what He was doing when He created us and our instinct for community in His name. </div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3028463208901514717.post-36681195733368464382015-04-01T23:08:00.001-07:002015-04-02T04:10:23.839-07:00Is death scary?<div>
When someone becomes pregnant, they have about 9 months to prepare for the birth of the baby. Sometimes that feels like eternity and sometimes that feels like just NOT long enough! Preparing for a life is a really big deal! Families that adopt often wait for months or even years preparing for their future child. There is paperwork to fill out, appointments to go to, names to choose, books to read, rooms to decorate, classes to attend and so on. Preparing for birth or the placement of a child is a very exciting time! There are showers and parties and registries and so much preparation! </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
The preparation for death, however is not nearly that exciting. There is an element of excitement, no doubt, because HELLO...Jesus. The after party of this life is far better than the hotel lobby...it's technically what we have been waiting for since the moment we were born. To be reunited with our Creator. To feel no more pain...to be whole...to sit at His feet. Gah. I take it back. It is more exciting. It is just too much for the human brain to comprehend. And he created it that way. Our mighty God made heaven a place that our earthly brains just can't even fathom. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
There aren't death showers or death scrapbooks. I mean maybe some people do that...but not anyone I know. There surely are ways to prepare for death. There are plenty of pamphlets and articles and opinions on how to do so with dignity, with finished business and closure. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
And then there is this majestic and truth filled book called the Bible. And wow does it prepare us for death, dare I say FAR more than it prepares us for birth. HE is the resurrection and the LIFE. What a miracle birth is....but through HIM we experience LIFE. Through death we approach God who breathed life into us in the first place. Our true citizenship remains in heaven. This earth is a sweet place for us to experience His grace, mercy and gifts...but what lies ahead is far more of a gift than any moment of pleasure we may experience here. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Why am I talking about all this? Because, after four. FOUR. <b>FOUR. </b>Years of watching my husband FIGHT. Persevere. Defy all odds. Shock doctors. LIVE. Four years of traveling to the country's best doctors, trying chemo, new medications, finding (in our own sweet little town nonetheless) a doctor that would manage and fight for Justins life like it was his very own, beginning the frightening stage of hospice...it has really been a LOT. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
We have lost friends, welcomed friends, felt lost, felt hurt, felt found and embraced and redeemed. We have seen God remove things that needed to go and fill those gaps with beauty only He is capable of. We have seen LIFE in a way that I wouldn't have asked for...because it has been HARD. But, don't you dare ask me to trade it for anything. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
We have entered a new season. Honestly, we entered this new season last January when Justin's prognosis became far beyond any doctors imagination. He became one of those rare cases that was just a big fat question mark to doctors. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Justin has never once been a question mark to his creator. Justin was placed on this earth for a very specific reason. He has lived a life that many wouldn't envy. He has suffered more than others would desire. But, let me just tell you...JMacs life has SCREAMED the presence of Jesus to me and my three boys like its nobodies business. He is leaving behind a legacy for those three young men that can't be replicated. He has lived a unique and passionate life. He has failed, lost, succeeded and seen the beauty of the holy spirit in a way that I for one just flat out yearn to experience. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Justin has entered what is referred to as the active dying phase. This is hospice lingo for...time is running out. Justin has accepted this phase. Has he thrown in the towel? Has he allowed satan to win? Has he lost faith? NOPE. And if you feel that he alone has the power to declare something over God's will for Him...then I challenge you to show up on my doorstep and have that conversation with me. I will have my bible opened and I will show you that God begs us to fear HIM...NOT DEATH. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I take my Bible very seriously. I recognize the parts that are to be taken literally and the parts that are not. I sure don't have a degree in theology..but I have seen death without Christ. I have seen miracles right before my eyes. I have watched my own son be brought from death to life in the midst of significant spiritual warfare. I have seen the most firm believers suffer and wait and hurt. I have seen non believers experience Christ's very real presence. I have seen God's truth in REAL LIFE. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
We have entered a new season. We have been here for awhile, but it has been hard to swallow and admit. Justin has accepted his phase of dying. He isn't defeated by satans lies, y'all. He is comforted by the TRUTH that our God wrote for him. For all of us. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
This new season is a time for extreme intention. It is a time for closure and a time to respect the firm belief we have in Christ's sovereign plan and for privacy in the Mac Shack. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Justin could have another year on this earth or he could have a mere 2 weeks. That is NOT up to us. What IS up to us is that we can honor every moment that God provides Him. Salvation is not something satan can take from him. He knows what awaits him...and we hate the hurt we will feel with him gone, but man are we embracing the wholeness of what lies ahead for our most favorite guy. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
If you are looking a way to love on our family or encourage us here are some ideas...</div>
<div>
- Speak truth. </div>
<div>
- Allow Justin to experience closure and be comforted in the fact that in a blink of an eye his family will be by his side in the majestic kingdom. </div>
<div>
- Email things you would like him to hear or remember to mistymac2@yahoo.com and I will be very sure that he reads it. </div>
<div>
- Respect this very precious time that our family needs to be "hunkered down" </div>
<div>
- Realize that TALKING about death DOES NOT make it happen. We know our words are powerful, but our God is MORE powerful than anything we posses. Text or email your encouragement to him. </div>
<div>
- Make him laugh. </div>
<div>
- Have grace for us. There are tons of articles and blogs and packets to "help" us navigate this season...but we prefer to allow the holy spirit to lead. That means listening to Him at the last second, planning less and living in the flesh as little as possible. </div>
<div>
- Don't pretend you would know how to navigate this if you aren't in our shoes. Please. </div>
<div>
- Pray for us. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
We love every person who has kept up with the macs. It has been an honor to watch the followers of this blog grow from 15 to over 25,000 in just a few short years. You guys are Team Mac and we just couldn't walk this walk without y'all....because somedays when I am too weary to pray or too afraid to cry or too tired to face the facts...YOU stand in the gap. Because our Father really knew what He was doing when He created us and our instinct for community in His name. </div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3028463208901514717.post-53999031080581260422015-03-03T12:14:00.001-08:002015-03-03T12:21:47.208-08:00rootsOver the past 6 months I have been trying to be better in tune with my emotional health. I learned through acupuncture how different people's bodies will manifest stress...especially when it is suppressed. I learned through counseling that being sad is OK. I learned what happens when you don't eat for several days. I learned about shingles. And I have also learned that no amount of study, research or focus will prepare your body, mind and heart for grief, loss and mourning.<br />
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<br /></div>
<div>
I found this picture and I have saved it in my phone. It was something that I could look at on a hard day or moment and check over to the left column and just realize that I am in the "right place"... This whole left side of the slope has just become my life, and that is frustrating. I wanted to accept that I am in a tough spot, but these words just didn't seem right. Denial is quite different than faith. I have had faith in knowing an earthly healing could happen any day at any moment. Some days I have had more faith than others, but thankfully my God isn't concerned with my simple ways. Somedays I am angry at everyone who does not have a sick spouse. Somedays I am angry at my sick spouse for being sick. Somedays I am mad at ME for being mad at him for something so far out of his control! Somedays I feel very alone...but I don't want to be around anyone. Somedays I want to be around people and feel normal, but the hovering cloud of reality is just too thick for me to see through. Somedays I am actually in a great mood. Somedays I feel very in control and organized and somedays I can't find anything, get anywhere or accomplish anything. </div>
<div>
Thankfully, His majesty is far greater than my mood swings. </div>
<div>
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This picture began to make me feel really frustrated and crazy and helpless. I have the most incredible community, but I recognized that I needed specific empathy from someone in a situation comparable to mine. Where are all the 30 year old women with little kids and a hubby on hospice?!?! Stop hiding and come have coffee with me! </div>
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So, I joined a Well Spouse caregivers group. It is basically just a facebook group where people gather to vent, share, get advice and share experiences. The first few days were really helpful. I scrolled through pages and pages and pages of Well Spouses introducing themselves and spouting off the various diseases and stages of illness of their loved ones. It was oddly comforting. There are 700 members and everyone has a story. The posts vary big time. Some people are there to rant and vent about how inconvenienced they are. Some are there to share the dreams that were crushed due to having a sick spouse. Some people are there to encourage or share articles or funny pictures. But, everyone there is bummed out that their spouse is sick. Whether they are happy about it or not (and some people are very evidently NOT) these people have chosen to stick it out and take care of the person they exchanged vows with. </div>
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I have learned through this group that it is very typical to have gone through the grief process of losing your spouse BEFORE your spouse is gone, because many ill spouses are no longer who they once were. There is guilt associated with this and that is hard. Because, it is not something that any of us asked for. And I very clearly recall saying "in sickness and in health" - which is convicting and at the same time very stabilizing. It is comforting to know that on the most important day of my marriage (our wedding day), God planted roots in my heart. The vulnerable moment of standing up in front of everyone in a white dress and making promises to the man you love most...those roots that He planted were significant and meaningful beyond my wildest imagination. Those roots are sturdy and deep and planted with truth and love. The worldy yuck, grief, sadness, hurt, pain, loss, disease, and helplessness...well they just don't stand a chance. Because NOTHING can separate us from the love of Christ (romans 8:39). </div>
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The caregiver experts say that grief doesn't wait for death... and even worse, anticipatory grief can spiral you into a constant state of panic and fear and leave you in a state of emergency for an indefinite amount of time. </div>
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I don't know about you, but that doesn't leave me with much room for HOPE. </div>
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There isn't a Facebook group or caretaker with a similar story that is going to make me feel better. There isn't a blog or article that is going to make sense out of all this. After all of this time in trying to fix myself, understand myself, prepare myself and do a good job at this wife and mom thing....I am right back where I started. On my knees begging Jesus to fill me up, reminding myself that I can NOT do ANY of this. It is in Christ that we find out who we are and what we are living for (ephesians 1:11). I am living for HIM, and right here is exactly where I want to be. Unfortunately, I just forget that a lot and need big fat reminders. Grateful for His very constant yet unexpected reminders. </div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3028463208901514717.post-63624550963593215072015-01-23T20:54:00.004-08:002015-01-23T20:58:32.658-08:00What if it doesn't get better?What if it doesn't get better?<br />
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Ever.<br />
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What if my husband is only awake about 5 hours a week for another 35 years?<br />
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What if he continues to suffer? And I continue to lose steam in the fight to stay strong and positive and provide endless care, mercy and grace? And the boys start to quietly tip toe back to our room to check on daddy less and less? And I continue to feel less and less like a wife each day and more and more like just a caregiver?<br />
<br />
What if this temporary life starts to feel like eternity?<br />
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What if I start to have thoughts that leave me filled to the brim with guilt?<br />
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What if it doesn't get better?!<br />
<br />
I typically steer clear from writing when I am hurting so deeply. I wait until God shows me the rainbow. I wait until my head feels more clear and my heart feels more full. I wait until I can reflect on the hard spot and how graciously God lovingly pulled me out of that place and back into the light of eternal perspective.<br />
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I have been tapping my foot with my arms crossed for weeks and that dang rainbow hasn't showed up. And I realized just a few moments ago that I don't have to "see" it to know it's there. Because...it's there. That rainbow is hope and hope doesn't take a vacation.<br />
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I am allowed to feel alone. I am allowed to feel like it is unfair. I am allowed to really really really want my old husband back. I am allowed to hurt for my kids. I am allowed to feel so very broken.<br />
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And then I am allowed to take some deep breaths, get on my knees, close my eyes tightly and PRAISE him in this darkness. He is more than enough for me. I will not lose heart.<br />
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I will not lose heart. I will wake up tomorrow and bask in his majesty. He is waiting for me. And when I lose sight again of the glory that lies ahead...He will again wait for me. 10,000 times He will wait for me.<br />
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And it will get better.<br />
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Because, I know for a FACT that this is not our eternity.<br />
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In His word...Hope awaits. So, I better get my butt in the word.<br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3028463208901514717.post-15645951568070250232015-01-01T10:27:00.001-08:002015-01-01T10:27:20.396-08:002014Top 20 of 2014<br />
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This year has been crazy. I haven't blogged much at all. Justin said this year has been the worst...and because I love a good challenge, I went ahead and chose to prove him wrong.<br />
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Here is my top 20 of 2015...no particular order, because I had to scroll through instagram to remember what even happened this year. I got lazy on some of the pictures...but Justin admitted this year wasn't so bad = Winner.<br />
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1. <a href="https://www.vaultfosteringcommunity.org/">VAULT</a> - It has been so fun to sit back and watch God put this ministry together. Plus getting to know baby Jules and all the other sweet kids that have been placed in this community.<br />
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2. Disciple Now - Having the senior boys here was a blast. I couldn't tell you who had more fun...Justin or Brody, Bryce and Brax.<br />
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3. FaceTime with Josiah - The Fickeys got to visit Josiah in the Congo and they called us! It was a flat out gift to see that baby boy with his mama and papa!<br />
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4. Brody graduated preschool - he was such a ham on the stage.<br />
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5. Brody also started kinder which has been pretty wonderful. And Bryce in 3rd grade...ugh get out!<br />
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6. Still Water - I was blessed to be a part of this organization! A successful fundraising dinner, super saturday, creating champ camp, two weeks of camp and wow...lots of great memories and very special friendships made!<br />
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7. The Quit Trippin Fool shirts - no explanation needed!<br />
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8. I got to go to New York with my bff for my 30th birthday!<br />
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9. Bryce was awarded the Principals Award for PE!<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjy3fRSQszYhxCC0m_0-oh23gkG9XB8v7zOSi_2jZ61UNsqC8QyjfztjqVrZdJa24EijZnNoLng97YQMgrEOS9axRgcj0nyiOsLJP3qYsAVoBmam-AO4TnnD5RZm36g4IlXN46PNJDZTLbS/s1600/IMG_3990.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjy3fRSQszYhxCC0m_0-oh23gkG9XB8v7zOSi_2jZ61UNsqC8QyjfztjqVrZdJa24EijZnNoLng97YQMgrEOS9axRgcj0nyiOsLJP3qYsAVoBmam-AO4TnnD5RZm36g4IlXN46PNJDZTLbS/s1600/IMG_3990.JPG" height="320" width="320" /></a><br />
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10. TRUDY!<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhpu5iu9tdcVVEWtcMGojEFDr_kHHcG2yEk8aJW5AiBDIP4EV44JLYiiNDkMnHb2Gx7ZOVeFfOhkFqLEm_K6h0sl_f5ZmbtzhIxgCtCqtqejGaz_qU_qR-aA60AW316WmlEFMb5sQWLxT7s/s1600/FullSizeRender_1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhpu5iu9tdcVVEWtcMGojEFDr_kHHcG2yEk8aJW5AiBDIP4EV44JLYiiNDkMnHb2Gx7ZOVeFfOhkFqLEm_K6h0sl_f5ZmbtzhIxgCtCqtqejGaz_qU_qR-aA60AW316WmlEFMb5sQWLxT7s/s1600/FullSizeRender_1.jpg" height="320" width="286" /></a><br />
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11. I witnessed a miracle.<br />
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12. Beach Trip with the Harpers<br />
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13. Our last Christmas Program at FBC - this is so bittersweet.<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3eZ3YEl1MvXbhwDY6n8ZOerEFso72vsBYPh4MBW9rgA3tB2mu7X9Gbqi3DINy9YhCPVRSWFtkJoFxWTY3R5qWFcjSjo_RY6XWdZOEJRoV1cFkjpECnF20TCAHJxHJIoyaqruwECDs0DHh/s1600/IMG_6383.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3eZ3YEl1MvXbhwDY6n8ZOerEFso72vsBYPh4MBW9rgA3tB2mu7X9Gbqi3DINy9YhCPVRSWFtkJoFxWTY3R5qWFcjSjo_RY6XWdZOEJRoV1cFkjpECnF20TCAHJxHJIoyaqruwECDs0DHh/s1600/IMG_6383.JPG" height="320" width="320" /></a><br />
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14. Clays for Cara - honoring a dear friend and once again seeing our community rally for us.<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5UisExgID51qZi3-l5vFh1wVzQS5Akz8xny3QekzEd3gqcp38OcvVd56UTAXpxyb1ZKfJGBQAZMpQ-0qMg7kgGLXBAm36bgVJHZs2FRwq0gfq4wg9AwqlCDLa-qGldtA16UuHgP96GC6O/s1600/IMG_5603.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5UisExgID51qZi3-l5vFh1wVzQS5Akz8xny3QekzEd3gqcp38OcvVd56UTAXpxyb1ZKfJGBQAZMpQ-0qMg7kgGLXBAm36bgVJHZs2FRwq0gfq4wg9AwqlCDLa-qGldtA16UuHgP96GC6O/s1600/IMG_5603.JPG" height="320" width="320" /></a><br />
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15. Camp Eagle<br />
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16. Going fake sky diving for Katie's 35th!<br />
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17. Another trip to New York for Hillsong! - this one was a bit bittersweet too, but New York is good no matter what!<br />
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18. Spending Christmas at my Dads house!<br />
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19. This.<br />
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20. Justin. One more day with Justin.<br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3028463208901514717.post-60004237069492131532015-01-01T09:16:00.001-08:002015-01-01T09:16:47.178-08:00the mac movieI have known Justin for about 11 years. Lots has happened in that time. Four houses. Three kids. Two dogs. And one VERY great love.<br />
While Justin was having a smidge of a health scare recently, a great friend distracted me with looking up my celebrity look alike. I will not even dare share the nonsense that this dumb website generated...but it got me thinking about the fun anecdote of our life story as a movie.<br />
If you have never sat down and thought about what celebrities would play each of your family members in a lifetime movie...then do it now. It will make you smile :) Anyways, I kind of always considered our story as more of a tragic love story. There is this great love, but something was always in the way. A baby before marriage. A stomach bug on our wedding day. A dying grandma. A special needs son. A terminal diagnosis. A lot of loneliness.<br />
Then, I took that story and really meditated on it. None of those things are what I think of when I look at the past 11 years. What I really think of is the moment I saw Justin for the first time... I got weak in the knees. The smile on Justin's face when he met Bryce for the first time...the way he looked at me that day. Laughter. So much laughter. Adventure. Companionship. Real, true and very deep commitment. <br />
In the beginning we were pretty focused on us. I had been in a hard relationship and I just wanted to be happy. My focus was ME and MY happiness. Justin saw for the first time his true potential and knew HIS future would be bright. The we blinked and WE were pregnant with our second son, church hopping, moving to Boerne from Houston for a fresh start. WE really thought we knew what we were doing. Then before Brody was born, God whispered something to me and everything changed. The climax.<br />
<b>I, ME, WE, US, MINE...all changed to HIS. </b><br />
The plot changed so significantly in that moment. Because, the happy ending was Jesus. The story wasn't over, but no matter what...the happy ending was Jesus. The diagnosis came. The days got harder and longer. The carefree days of the beginning screeched to a halt.<br />
There is no end date to our story. Justin could pass away tomorrow...or he could outlive us all. Either way, the Macs don't end with that. Justin's sickness, his prognosis, his pain...that is our reality, but it is not our LIFE. Our life is laughter, companionship, hope, little boys, sarcasm, frustration, pajama days, hand holding and Jesus.<br />
We arent a tragic love story. We are a dark comedy...which just so happens to be my fave.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3028463208901514717.post-85752643050750900252014-10-23T11:31:00.000-07:002014-10-23T11:31:12.766-07:00hope is knowing that the best is yet to comeI think this is most definitely the longest I have ever gone without an update. I have honestly just been in a pretty dark place, and if I am going to be real on this blog...I have to pull from feelings that I sometimes want to ignore. It has been a hard couple of months. A really hard few weeks. And an almost impossible few days. We were blessed to be honored at the Clays for Cara event earlier this month. It was a hard night, hard to be there in remembrance of Cara but also to see ourselves in the same category as other families who are suffering. I know that we are suffering and I know that we have had a hard few years....but the picture always looks different when you are in it. That night, I saw our family from the outside. And, I am going to be honest...it was sad. However, it was a great gift to be surrounded by family and friends who have rallied like its nobodies business for 3.5 years.<br />
It came in perfect timing (as all things do of course). We have battled for 3.5 years and it has been a really hard fight. We have seen dozens and dozens of doctors, specialists, surgeons, and homeopathic doctors. We have gotten first, second, third and fourth opinions. We have stopped our lives for treatments and to talk to insurance on the phone and to wait in line at Walgreens.<br />
But, most importantly we have PRAYED. We brought the sword out from day one. We have looked to God's word and we have sought his comfort and we have FELT his peace. We have declared healing, we have asked forgiveness, we have rebuked, we have surrendered, we have pleaded we have walked in circles and we have stood still. We believe that after all of that....we are right where we are supposed to be.<br />
The world and ourselves HAVE RUN OUT OF ANSWERS. But, HE has not.<br />
We prayerfully and cautiously decided to have hospice take over. This officially began on Tuesday. Let me tell you what happens when you say the word <i>hospice</i> in public. PEOPLE CRY. Yup. When you say "we have began hospice" you might as well kill a puppy right in front of a kindergarten class.<br />
I mean, its sad. Just the word is SAD.<br />
Hospice is sad of course, but really it is so beautiful. Hospice does NOT mean giving up. It does not mean we threw in the towel. It does not mean that Justin can't do anything or go anywhere. It does not mean that he is about to die.<br />
What it DOES mean is that we are no longer going to seek aggressive treatments. It does mean that he will now be cared for in our home and he no longer has to trek across the city when he is miserable to just be told basically to just keep hanging in there. He doesn't have to argue with insurance or explain himself to pharmacists (God love you Kelly Newcom for being a pharmacist...that may be just the hardest job with the most irritated customers in all the world. You are one of a kind!) He won't have to take medicines that may actually be harming him JUST IN CASE they could prevent a flare up. <i>Hospice is hope. </i>And hope is knowing that the best is yet to come.<br />
The facts are in our favor....a better quality of life is reachable, God is FOR us and will never forsake us...but it still hurts deeply. Please pray for us. Please pray for our kids. Pray that all 5 of us will feel the spirit of the WARRIOR that resides within us.<br />
For those of you up on current events, let me tell you about "dying with dignity"...<b>this is it.</b> God is in charge. Now THAT is dignity.<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3028463208901514717.post-13373540526535665132014-08-29T14:31:00.001-07:002014-08-29T14:44:13.429-07:00summer is over, and other stuff<div>
September is happening, like really soon. YIKES! How did that happen? I love summer the most...but I am looking forward to cooler days and all the fun that comes along with fall. Before I bore you with back to school pictures of my children I have three tiny updates. </div>
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1. Nothing notable to update about Justin. I do not think that really falls in the praise category, as he still sleeps 75% of the time because he is so miserable...BUT he isn't in the hospital. So, I am putting that in the praise department for today. </div>
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2. I have some really exciting news about Vault:Fostering Community! We are just a few tiny steps away from becoming a real deal 501c3. We have raised the money to file our paperwork and now just need to push forward with raising the funds for our operating budget (which is only about 10k a year...just in case you were wondering). In case you are also wondering what Vault actually is, we basically exist to make foster parents life a little easier. Making the choice to support orphan care can look very different from one family to the next. A small way to support local foster families is to provide resources when placements are made. We take donations throughout the year of gently used items such as cribs, toddler beds, mattresses and car seats to and keep them in our storage AKA The Vault. It is a really simple concept actually and we LOVE the fact that we have been able to help over 25 families in the past few months. We want to love on all these families, plus provide community and other various resources. We have a lot of REALLY exciting things in the works and can't wait to tell you all about it. A couple ways to get involved now are to spread the word about our family night (info below) and <a href="https://www.booster.com/vaultteeadult">BE OUR VILLAGE BY BUYING A TEE! </a> <a href="https://www.booster.com/vaultteeadult">(click here to see the awesome tee!)</a><!-------><!-------></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">3. And last but certainly not least is <span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Clays for Cara. This is an event that Justin and I have supported for the past 4 years. We are humbled to be included in this years event as a beneficiary family. As you all know, God has continued to cover us financially in the midst of Justin's medical storm. We are honored to be included in what we believe to be a very prestigious event. We sit in awe at how The Lord works to bring us peace and comfort when it can't be found anywhere else. There is even a possible surgery available to reduce some of Justin's symptoms that is not covered by insurance. How great is it that our God prepares each step before we walk it? Please make plans to attend this event! The fall calendar fills quickly, so mark your calendar and register ASAP. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">You can also help by sponsorship or donating an item for the silent auction. I am grateful for each of you who have rallied around us over the past 3 years. Some other VERY amazing and deserving families will be supported by this event...so do not miss out. Visit claysforcara.com for more info. </span></div>
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In other news...Back to school is a very exciting time! New clothes, new teachers, new adventures. Our biggest change this year is Brody starting kindergarten. He is at the same school as big brother Bryce now and we are thrilled to say (at the end of day 5) that he is thriving in his mainstream class. When Brody arrived in our family we had to shift gears on expectations...in such a healthy way. We prayed that he would be able to be in a mainstream class, but we also are praising the fact that our school has an incredible program for him to roll into if/when that need arises. We want what is best for Brody...and that is not always the easiest thing for us. Lots of life lessons ahead as we enter the public school world with this guy. Lots of opportunities to NOT wear our feelings on our sleeves and to realize that the rest of the world does not have a reason to know all about downs syndrome. It's also a time for us (Bryce is included in the us) to extend grace and compassion when others don't know what to say and may not always say the "right" thing. Brody LOVES it, LOVES his teacher, LOVES his lunchbox, LOVES walking to the corner with Bryce, LOVES getting to go to big boy school and Braxton has to stay home, and still doesn't really love waking up in the mornings :)<br />
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If you made it down here to see these pics, then chances are we are related. So, thanks. </div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3028463208901514717.post-24072633253930197642014-08-02T13:34:00.001-07:002014-08-02T13:39:01.105-07:0030 days later It is not a secret that Justin and I have walked a difficult road together. Much of it has been out of our control while some decisions we made surely not realizing how much of our lives would be impacted. An example of this is our children. Justin and I did not plan to have 2 of our 3 beautiful kids. In fact, most of you realize that Bryce was an extremely unplanned pregnancy...the premarital kind. Yikes! I remember feeling so ashamed and scared and also very excited to be a mom. I remember feeling judged for being 20 and unmarried and pregnant. There is much to this story and such beautiful things that God showed me specifically about life, obedience and redemption. But for now, the point is that while Bryce was a very specific blessing to this family (and earth in my opinion)...he was not "planned by me." When Bryce was 2, Justin and I finally felt mature enough to marry each other and make that commitment as a family. Three months after we were married I was itching for another baby. It was the "perfect" time because Bryce would be three when the baby came and he would be potty trained and everything would be perfect. We "planned" our second pregnancy and I was pregnant with Brody within two weeks and all was good in the world. Fast forward to when Brody was 6 months old and in and out of the hospital, my mom had just passed away and we were living out in the middle of NOWHERE....pregnant. Here comes Braxton. Not "planned."<br />
Here is where I am going with all of this.<br />
Brody was the only child we sat down and discussed having. This has been heavy on my heart lately because I am able to see how special Brody has been since before he was conceived. Bryce and Braxton are incredible boys and we love all of our kids deeply and equally. They each teach us so much and bring tons to the table. But, what Brody's life has brought to the table has been very different. I am not going to go into the whole everything because I have written about it all before, but Brody was born four weeks early, out of town, in a hurricane evacuation. He has Downs syndrome which was a surprise to us 12 hours after he was born. He had a rough start in his first 6 months, but if you know Brody then you know JOY. If you know Brody then you have seen a FIGHTER. You have witnessed what happens when God whispers to a 7 year old little girl that she will one day be the mommy to a beautiful child with Downs syndrome. You have witnessed what can come to fruition when GOD'S plan is so mighty that he will NOT let anything get in its way.<br />
Exactly one month ago today marks the very worst day of my life.<br />
While at a pool party, I left Brody amongst friends, away from the pool, eating lunch, wrapped up in his towel to take Braxton to the bathroom. Just moments later when I returned, Brody was not where I left him. As I searched for him, I felt God pressing me to stop in one spot. While in that spot I looked all around....until I finally looked right in front of me into the bottom of the pool to find my sweet boy. I jumped in screaming and pulled him from the bottom of the deepest spot of the pool. Brody was blue and not breathing and not responsive. I handed him off to our dear friend...one of two dads trained in CPR who just "happened" to be at the party that day. I felt this overwhelming force push me to my knees to pray. I couldn't even look at Brody...which seems so strange to me after the fact, but these moments were beyond my control. I cried out to Jesus as others around me scrambled to call 911, comfort my kids, me and all the other kids at the pool that day. I felt like I could see it all from above where it was happening, I could see myself on a puddle on the ground and I could see life literally being breathed into my precious son. I could see the fear on Bryce's face. I wanted him to be whisked away so he didn't have to be a part of this. Another scary thing. Another big scary thing in his little life. But, God said no. God asked me to bring him over and show him that when we are enveloped in fear and death is creeping in that GOD is the only place for refuge. Time was non existent. It felt like an hour but it also felt like just seconds. Brody begin to breathe and he opened his eyes. For no explainable reason I felt peace. We were far from out of the woods, but in that moment I felt secure in the hands of our Savior and confident in the LIFE of Brody. The EMS arrived and we were sent for observation in the Methodist PICU. I have processed these 24 hours more than 100 times. I have thought of every detail, every word that doctors spoke to us, every person that was in place that day. It is just unreal to consider who was where and what all transpired. I know that satan has been after this family for a long time. I KNOW that God has been after us harder.<br />
Habakkuk 2:3 tells us that the vision for our lives WILL NOT deceive or disappoint. This is hard to remember when we are stuck here in this temporary life. God has been using Brody for His glory for a LONG time.<br />
Psalm 27:14 reminds us to WAIT on the Lord and let our hearts find courage in HIM.<br />
I gotta tell you, I am often pretty tired of what is waiting for us. The pain that comes along with a life following Jesus and not the world is sometimes unbearable. But, the joy in knowing what is to come is NOT comparable. The Macs have spent a lot of days sitting in expectant hope and watching the glory of our Father unfold. It is hard work, but it is His work and we wouldn't trade it for the world.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3028463208901514717.post-60807819891364001722014-06-30T07:38:00.002-07:002014-06-30T07:38:24.062-07:00come thirsty to the waterI have been "off" lately. To be honest I have been flat out sad, anxious, lonely and overwhelmed. I have felt a bit out of control and I also felt embarrassed by that. Since January the going has been tough around here. Typically when the going gets tough we get going....but I haven't been able to get one foot in front of the other and that has been disheartening. I am strong, faithful, I rely on TRUTH, I know where my enemy sits, I have accountability, mentorship and etc. Somewhere along this journey I convinced myself that we have enough going on around here and there is simply no time for my grief. Maybe I felt a little obligated to be grateful for all that is GOOD, because let's face it....so many have it MUCH worse. <br />
So with the prompting from a few friends a couple of complete strangers I feel like this post is due.<br />
Here are some things to know:<br />
- I do not have it all together<br />
- I forget something important every day<br />
- I do not read my Bible every day<br />
- I have a sitter come twice a week so I can work or just sit in my car in the quiet<br />
- I only make it to church about once a month these days<br />
- Sometimes I get mad at people who aren't hurting<br />
- I never say no to eating pizza<br />
- I am often jealous of people's family time<br />
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So, most of you all are very aware how imperfect I am...but now it is out there for all to see. I am sure there are some spicier things I could add to the list, but I thought this was sufficient for today :)<br />
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Hear me say this - I am GRATEFUL for the life God has entrusted me with. I am in awe of His sovereign hand on my life on the daily. I would NOT trade this life for any other because I would miss out on too many great things that have happened and happen in this one. I was intricately created by a loving God to care for these people. This life is good and full of reminders of how big He is and how small we are.<br />
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And now hear this - THAT DOES NOT MEAN THAT I ALWAYS LIKE IT.<br />
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I have been in a big fat phase of I don't wanna.<br />
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I was going through my Jesus Drawer...haha just kidding, I don't call it that, but I do have a drawer where I keep different talks I have done, notes from studies, etc. Anyways, I came across a talk I did last year about Brody. Gah, I love that kid. He was born mid hospital evacuation due to Hurricane Ike and he was born with lots of little medical issues that we were completely in the dark about. It was all such a surprise, and not the surprise party with all your friends kind of thing. More like if you were sitting in your bed reading a book and then out of nowhere someone dropped 100 gallons of ice water on your head. We were shocked, scared, confused and so on. At that time, God gave us an opportunity. We could sit in the fear and mourning and loss of what we thought our lives would be or step off the boat (Matthew 14:29). We looked directly ahead and set our eyes on Jesus and we got off that boat and we have never looked back. Brody has challenging moments. He is stubborn as all get out, he can be pretty unfriendly at times, he kind of likes to hit, he won't eat a dang sandwich, and he poops his pants at least once a week. But, at the very same time he can be THE most loving, huggable, snuggly, kissing, hilarious, tender, smiley, smart, yummy chunk of love on this whole planet.<br />
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I am getting to the point now...when Justin and I had Brody we didn't make a conscious "choice" to go ahead and love him just as he was. We did what was natural to us. Brody is our son and we wouldn't have him any other way. It wasn't easy from the starting line and it won't be easy as we race to the finish line but the Lord is close to the brokenhearted as we all run this race together (Psalm 34:18). Justin's health situation is far from easy and enjoyable. In fact, it has changed every tiny piece of the way we do life. Most of the time it flat out sucks. A "good day" here looks FAR different than what a "normal" persons good day may look like. If Justin is awake for two straight hours or if he drives to Walgreens...we had a "good day" - He even got to go to a work dinner with me the other night which was basically his first restaurant debut in months....that day was off the charts! We choose to find joy in these circumstances because its just too hard when you don't. I tried...and I don't like it.<br />
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Reading scripture and doing all the devos and singing all the songs don't FIX anything. Anyone can slap on a spiritual bandaid and then become disappointed when healing didn't occur. But, the TRUTH soothes us, shapes us, forms our hearts and that takes the sting out. Truth gives fear a swift kick and allows hope to enter the hurting places. Truth doesn't FIX anything, but it opens the door to this exciting place full of comfort, miracles, meaning and rest for our weary souls.<br />
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Peter fell, but at least he got off the boat!<br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3028463208901514717.post-49509305245378805972014-06-15T10:54:00.001-07:002014-06-15T10:54:42.074-07:00super dadWhen it comes to dads... I hit the jackpot. Not only do I have the best dad around, but I am married to Super Dad. I love them both for their flaws and imperfections. I love them for how they have loved me and my boys.<br />
I want to honor Justin everyday, but here are a few of the many reasons why I want to especially honor JMac TODAY. He drives me nuts, makes my stomach hurt, allows me little sleep, makes my head spin and keeps me on my toes almost every second of every day. Being married to Justin leaves me often very lonely and desiring a partner for pieces of life. It is overwhelming to my soul to try and keep up with what will happen here from day to day. But, I couldn't imagine ANYONE who could do a better job at being my husband and being the daddy to Bryce, Brody and Braxton.<br />
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<b>He loves the Lord with all his guts. </b><br />
Justin knows what it means to suffer. He knows what it feels like to hurt and lose. He wakes up each day wondering if he will be able to get out of bed or if he will end up back at the hospital or if he will be able to eat. Never once has he turned his back on his faith. In fact, his suffering has brought him closer to God than I ever thought possible. He disciples and encourages and PROVES God's mighty power over his life on the daily. Justin is alive ONLY by God's grace and the TLC of Dr. Ben Stahl :)<br />
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<b>He is funny. </b><br />
I mean really funny. If he doesn't make you laugh then you need to have your funny bone examined. Like, for real. He is THE definition of off the wall. He is THE envelope pusher of the century. He will make you uncomfortable, but only if he likes you :) JMac keeps it real.<br />
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<b>He is not selfish. </b><br />
Justin has spent about 7 weeks out of the past 5 months in the hospital. The FIRST thing he says EVERY time he goes in is "don't worry about me...go take care of the kids and yourself"<br />
He worries about me and the boys a lot. He fears that he lets us down by being sick so much. He wants us to have a normal life...but he is our LIFE. He <i>shows</i> us life, he <i>shows</i> us selflessness, he <i>shows</i> us faith and we wouldn't trade it for the world.<br />
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<b>He puts us first. </b><br />
Now let's get real and say that this didn't come easy for him. He spent a good portion of his life working hard to prove himself. He proved a LOT, but we got lost in the shuffle of the busy game of life. Justin found out that when you put your mind to something you can accomplish it all...but then over time he learned that all of that meant nothing without the foundation of Christ. He slowly watched the things he had worked hard for no longer be a part of his reality...it stings, but at the end of each day he has EVERY single thing that he needs. We all do.<br />
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<b>He has legit discernment. </b><br />
I like to pretend sometimes that he doesn't, because I don't always understand the way he processes...but the guy can sniff out the yuck, like real fast. The Macs have been around the block. We have been there and done that and seen the stuff. It took some serious crazy times and a whole bunch of prayer to get our hearts in the right place. Justin leads us like its nobody's business.<br />
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<b>He is the best steward of God's blessings. </b><br />
Justin trusts God hard core when it comes to finances. He is a giver. Sometimes I have to close my eyes as he writes checks. But here is the thing, Justin is smart with money. Like super smart. We have needed to be on the receiving end quite a bit as continued unexpected medical situations never cease...the way he takes these blessings and turns them into a way to cover our needs plus TRIPLE the needs of others is beyond me.<br />
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I am all in for this ride with Justin. I have to hang on REAL TIGHT sometimes as I learn more about trust than I ever thought I would need to. I have to remind myself OFTEN that what lies ahead is FAR better than any of us could imagine. This place that we are in where we have to lean on God like every minute of every day is HARD, but I am pretty sure this is just where He wants us.<br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3028463208901514717.post-60701169320407937772014-06-01T10:04:00.000-07:002014-06-01T10:04:54.241-07:00love enduresI have not updated in a bit, because I have not been so sure what to say. It is a little more of the same around here. Justin does not leave the house unless he is going to the doctor or pharmacy...which is tough on him AND the kids. They notice. When his car is not here they say "why did daddy go to the doctor AGAIN?" When other kids ask where their dad is they almost always say "at the doctor."<br />
His IV's and PICC line and bandages and sleeping patterns and nurses in and out don't even phase them anymore. It has become their normal. They hop right in our bed and sit right next to him and they get all tangled in his wires, but they don't care.<br />
They are sad when he can't be at things or go do things with them...but they are never disappointed in him. They love him so much. So unconditionally. I ask them questions sometimes to check on their hearts...they don't feel like they got handed a bum dad or wish they had a dad that could do such and such. The way they look at him. The GRACE they give him...<br />
The boys LOVE their daddy. They really really love him JUST the way he is. HIS love endures forever.<br />
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Love through a child's eyes is a precious thing. When we get older and we have seen and heard and felt too much...love hurts more. Justin hurts that he can't love the boys in the ways he dreamed. It hurts him that he cannot love me in the ways that he imagined he would love his wife. Since the moment Justin got sick he has seized LIFE. He has not stop running the race. He has lived big and lived hard. He has said whats on his mind (and more), he has stayed up late and driven too fast. He has splurged on family vacations and memories and pushed when his strength had run out hours before. He has loved others like you wouldn't believe. That man, he stresses me out on the regular. And by that I mean like, all the minutes of all the days. <b>He keeps me on my toes, but that keeps me closer to God...and that's where it's at y'all.</b> When I look at the past three years as a whole...I feel happy. I know that through death we have seen life and through fear we have seen hope. The past six months have been the hardest of all. These months trump last summer's hip replacements and the summer in cleveland. These months hurt the hardest. There are lots of reasons why, but we can't quite put our finger on what hurts the most. It just hurts.<br />
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Weddings are a bit hard these days because I see this fresh start at love and I am jealous. I want that time back with Justin. I want to go back to our wedding day and even if this is the path God would take us down again...I would do it one million times. I would endure this hurt for all the days, but I just want one more moment of THAT. That sweet time when we looked into each others eyes and thought of nothing and nobody but the vow we were making before our family, friends and God. Gah, marriage is beautiful.<br />
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Through the very most difficult days, God has reminded us DAILY that he is with us. He sends a laugh when one is needed. He sends encouragement in the most beautiful ways. Here are a few things that have made us smile lately...<br />
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I can't even handle this. We CAN NOT. I mean...177 + the 47 we sold the first time around = a lot of people who love us a lot. Some of the new treatments Justin is looking forward to will NOT be covered by insurance. And who are we to live in fear that God doesn't have every detail mapped out? </div>
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We are not trippin'</div>
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Brody graduated from preschool. He will go to KINDER next year at Curington with his big brother Bryce. This guy makes us smile A LOT. </div>
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I got to go to New York and celebrate my 30th birthday with this girl. We laughed, ate junk food, people watched, got separated on the subway, talked about life, talked about nothing, ate some more, laughed some more and had the most amazing time. I am lucky this one keeps me around...I can be a handful every now and again ;)</div>
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And THEN...this cutie pie was recognized at school and received the principals award for PE, the sportsmanship award for his class and all year honor roll. Bryce has grown more than ever this year...we are so proud of him for so many reasons, but mostly we are proud of his continued trust in the Lord. Plus, PE is like the best subject of the day. </div>
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Cutie pies at Morgans Wonderland. If you have never been...go now. </div>
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And then just one little quick pic of the precious wedding I went to last night. The love between the bride and groom made me so very happy...and these two dorks make me a little happy too. </div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3028463208901514717.post-61375591639967440482014-05-11T13:39:00.002-07:002014-05-11T13:40:07.130-07:00mothers day and other things Today is Mother's Day...obviously.<br />
I have spent a little time this week reading blogs, open letters, memes and other various opinions on this day. Everyone has an idea of what Mothers Day should be. Some of the opinions I read/talked about this week were:<br />
<i>- Mother's Day is the one day a year I want to not be a mother and do whatever I want. </i><br />
<i>- Mother's Day is just another stupid day invented by Hallmark to makes dad's everywhere feel inadequate. </i><br />
<i>- Mother's Day is the BEST day of the year and I spend each second of this day basking in thankfulness that I have the privilege of being a mom. </i><br />
<i>- Mother's Day is my day for pampering, breakfast in bed, gifts and flowers. </i><br />
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There are millions others no doubt. Where does your opinion of Mother's Day fall? Is it as extreme as any of these? Maybe a combo of all?<br />
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I really want to set the record straight by saying I don't really know how I feel about mothers day. I mean I really do love a day dedicated to the mama. But just like the Christmas, anniversaries and birthdays where families don't have enough money/time/energy to buy gifts or have elaborate celebrations...sometimes families have to make a choice to set aside the typical expectations of how days like this should go and do their own dang thing. What about the family that is mourning their mom today and can't quite muster the energy to "celebrate her memory" or what about the orphans with no mommy to write a card to?<br />
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My favorite thing that happened today was this:<br />
I came in and Bryce (who is always up before me) said "so, aren't we having a special breakfast today?!"<br />
Uhhhh, about that, yeah we are not. Frozen waffles anyone?<br />
Then his 8 (going on 20) year old self got up and made a folder of all the things the littles had brought home from school this week, he made me a coupon for a nap and wrote me a note from his brothers and himself.<br />
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I was really impressed and of course very touched. But, it also made me a little sad for him. When he realized that he was "in charge" of making me feel special today...it made me want to cancel mothers day and rip that burden off his shoulders. In no world that I live in do I want my baby boy to carry the pressure "of my happiness."<br />
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Has anyone seen Rio 2? Sure is a CUTE movie. But how about that line...Happy WIFE, Happy LIFE? I know the world jokingly uses one liners like that for a smile and it's funny and the Mac's aren't trippin...we GET funny. But, if the wife ain't happy....she needs to some Jesus. And that's a fact. In marriage 101 we learn that NEVER will our husbands fill us up completely. Never once in the Bible does it say "hey husband, your job is to make your wife feel beautiful at all times , buy her exactly what she wants even though she never told you wanted it, plan pinterest worthy dates and plan to pay for it when you don't get it just right"<br />
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I checked again just now to be clear. It doesn't say that.<br />
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I grew up with parents who never took the time to know each other. They loved me dearly, but I watched my dad buy gifts for my mom each holiday that she ultimately hated and the sad truth is that he probably didn't really try that hard and even if he had...she would have had a problem with it anyways.<br />
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I don't want to miss out on my life because I am too busy being sad about my life.<br />
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Let me tell ya, I got plenty to be sad about. I fight back tears at least 5 times a day. I miss out on a lot of "normal stuff." I make commitments and then have to bail out last minute. I have to rely on sitters, my kids surrogate grandmas and Justin's minute to minute changing health situation. I am pretty sure it could be worse though. I caught up with a friend this week that never left his ill wife's side for 13 months. I am honored to walk alongside a friend who lost the love of her life in an instant. No chance to say goodbye. My best friend longs to bring her son home from DRC and there is not a darn thing she can do to make it happen faster. How can life continue on as normal when this is your reality?<br />
I wonder sometimes if I met the grace quota. I have found it harder these days to stop and celebrate the joyous things happening around me. I am filled with JOY for those who have struggles that are different than mine, but for a few minutes I have to allow myself the freedom to seek grace <i>tomorrow</i>. I just don't have enough for all the days. Jesus does, but sometimes I need to keep all that grace all to myself.<br />
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I turn THIRTY this month. I don't really wanna, but nobody asked me. I am going to new york with Katie for a long weekend. Justin and I spent his 30th birthday in NYC and we planned to do the same for mine. Justin can't travel and we considered canceling...but then God reminded me that HE is taking care of Justin. I am needed, I am his caretaker, advocate and ultimate number one fan. But, God orchestrated this trip because he wants me to LIVE this life. Justin LIVES life. He pushes it for a few days and then he crashes and burns for a few days. But, he sure doesn't waste those moments where he feels better then his normal crummy self. He never feels GREAT, but he never misses a chance to enjoy a moment. God provided me with a leader who is paving a path for me. And that path is taking this girl to NYC for the weekend to celebrate the end of my twenties. The village is stepping in ONCE AGAIN to love on my babies. All I can say is Amen to the gifts and blessings that are covering the junk. These beautifully wrapped gifts don't take the hurt from existing, but they provide an outer strength that comes from nowhere but that guy Jesus.<br />
I haven't posted pics in forever...so here are a few! <br />
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One year ago this happened. Justin rededicated his life to Jesus. He still drives me nuts on a daily basis, but he loves life and he fights and he doesn't give up. He loves us all and that is so evident by his extreme desire to be healed. </div>
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This is my beautiful mom. She also left a legacy of what it means to love life. Not to care what other people think and do what your heart tells you to do. </div>
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And this is pretty random, but this is me. I know my kids look like Justin and all, but I mean really...tell me you don't see my boys in this pic!!!</div>
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I had one request for mothers day. </div>
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Because I am thinking the motto should be a bit more like...happy kids, happy mama. </div>
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And lastly, for those of you who have supported Team JMac with one of the super fun shirts...you ROCK. We have sold over 100 shirts in honor of Justin. This time around we are using booster, which allows us to keep a portion of the sale of each shirt. We will use this money to pay for <u>medical</u> travel expenses and doctors that are not covered by insurance. Do you have your shirt yet? Only two more weeks to purchase! <a href="https://www.booster.com/teamjmac">https://www.booster.com/teamjmac</a></div>
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3028463208901514717.post-62712877916914303172014-05-06T18:21:00.000-07:002014-05-06T18:21:06.520-07:00Houston SchmoustonToday was Houston day. Today was the appointment with the Dr who wrote the book on Scleroderma. Literally. She wrote a book called The Scleroderma Book.<br />
With LOTS of prayer and a fabulously persistent family member, we got into see THE lady who has dedicated her medical career to studying systemic sclerosis. We left the village to care for our kids and drove in last night. We prayed for her by name. We prayed over the city of Houston. We prayed over the parking garage. I prayed over her waiting room and every member of her staff that I could see. I have been trying SO hard to keep my eyes on the prize...which of course is Jesus. NOT a doctor, not a magic pill, not a clinical trial, not any tiny earthly thing. But, my precious husband had a lot of hope. He felt rejuvenated at the idea of fresh eyes finding a fix. She was going to tell him something new that we didn't know about...and then he would shout from the rooftops that through her, God had completely healed him.<br />
Before I get to the point here, I want to say that this day ended with a bit of defeat. HOWEVER, the incredible and AWESOME God that we serve provided a little gift last week that will see us through this day and all the rest of the days we have here on earth.<br />
Some sweet spirit led friends suggested that I encourage Justin to read James 5. Justin falls asleep every night listening to his Bible, so last week I made the suggestion. God kept him awake until he finally got up and went to read James 5. Except, my husband is a man. So....he "accidentally" read John 5. When Justin forgets what I ask him to do and does something else...I usually think it was because he was not listening to me. If you are a wife you just get what I am saying. He loves me, but sometimes when I talk I think he hears the Charlie Brown WAH WAH WAH. But, this night when I asked him to specifically do something...he HEARD. He HEARD from the Holy Spirit, and that trumps me any day of the week. He HEARD what he was supposed to hear and he read what he was supposed to read. Because God is the real deal, ya'll. God revealed some stuff to Justin through John 5 that could NEVER be considered a coincidence. He read that and felt a presence and a healing that he needed to feel in preparation for today. (Interesting fact: Justin was in our church Christmas drive through thingy...because he is like part super hero...and his part was in the scene of the pool of bethesda. Neat)<br />
So, back to the point. Dr. Scleroderma did not have the magic wand that Justin had hoped for. It must be out of order :( He does not qualify for any of her trials and she really doesn't even feel like she is the specialist that needs to manage him closest. She was vague on who that should be, but gave us something to work with.<br />
She changed up some meds and will see her again in a few months. She wanted him to see a special dermatologist while we were here. Her nurse sat on the phone for 30 minutes trying to get us in....we got the thumbs up to go and then on the way there (it was like 5 blocks away) a little tiny hybrid granola car rear ended Justin while we were parked at a red light. Her car was completely STUCK on Justin's trailer hitch and we had to wait an hour for police to show up, then tow truck driver to lift her car off and then another hour for police to make a report and blah blah blah we missed the appointment and the Derm isn't in clinic the rest of the week. So #whatever to that. I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried!<br />
We got out of the medical center just in the nick of time for Houston rush hour traffic. We finally got back to my aunts at 7 and decided to stay here tonight and head home in the morning.<br />
God is going to heal Justin. Through a Doctor or in the middle of the night on a Tuesday. It's going to happen. We have two types of Doctors to look for. We need the TOP GI motility specialist in the country and the TOP D.O. specializing in autoimmune therapy. Pray specifically for them to ring our doorbell tomorrow. Ok ok, not that, but please be praying for discernment as we sift through the options.<br />
We have both had many moments of being DONE. I am ready for this miracle to get its show on the road. Justin is sick of being sick. It is wearing on Bryce. It's getting old.<br />
But, David waited. Job waited. Abraham waited. Noah waited. The Israelites waited.<br />
By faith, the Macs can wait. We need a day of not thinking about any of this (which is easier said that done for J...because well he can FEEL it) and then I need to get my detective pants on....which are similar to prayer pants.<br />
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You know the drill. Pray.<br />
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Oh and side note....we have some pretty great friends. Probably the best ever. We sold these QUICK so that I could surprise Justin with the video before we came to Houston, but we are going to sell these to everyone in the next few days as a tiny fundraiser to cover some upcoming medical travel costs. Watch the video...it will surely make you smile! And if you don't "get it" then you should hang out with Justin more...because then you would :)<br />
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<a href="http://vimeo.com/94116041">TEAM JMAC</a></div>
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3028463208901514717.post-10956337641144814162014-04-28T18:47:00.001-07:002014-04-28T18:47:29.611-07:00Houston or bust! We have been in full on survival mode. Our persistent circumstances have kept us on our toes. The extended lows have really been an adjustment. Honestly, the Macs can roll with the punches with the best of em...but no lie, these past 3 months have been tough stuff.<br />
Justin went in and out of the hospital through January and February and March with little to NO answers. Doctors didn't know what was happening so they just passed him along. Our PCP (and his team) and my little ol gut told me to keep fighting. There was an urgency that we haven't felt before and it was overwhelmingly discouraging to not have hospitalists with the same passion for Justin. I felt like I was chasing a leprechaun at the end of a rainbow. Or a hamster in one of those hamster things. Working with all my might, but getting NOWHERE. Without the encouragement of our PCP team, I may have given up. I may have thrown in the towel. Really, I was so close to done. Done fighting and yelling and making a scene before a hospital doctor would hear me. Begging for someone to care and look harder. Advocating for a person that only has 50% mental status but doesn't realize that is a really hard job. My instruction manual apparently got lost in the mail. Apparently that happens sometimes in Boerne.<br />
As my hands were on the way up in the air to say I GIVE UP, God would show up and remind me that I WILL NOT FIGHT THIS BATTLE ALONE. He will not leave me nor forsake me and he will equip me with a love that can ONLY be attributed to him. He provides beyond our wildest expectations. We will never stop being amazed at the lengths God goes to so that we can feel refreshed and revitalized and confident that His love for Justin is far greater than our wildest imagination.<br />
With the VERY hard work and persistence of an incredible doctor...we got to where we needed to be. Justin was admitted to University Hospital. Getting in was nothing short of a miracle and after a lot of waiting a plan is now in progress. The infection Justin has been dealing with was revealed...the thing we KNEW was wreaking havoc on him was finally brought to light. God planted a spirit of determination. The glory goes to our Father and to Him alone.<br />
He was then referred to a specialist in Houston. I have read her book and many blogs on her work, but she has a two year waiting list and has always seemed unattainable. We spent so much time in Cleveland and exploring another out of town doctor just never felt right. Plus, a two year waiting list. Um, no thanks. We were given an appt for JULY, which was to be considered as a pretty big favor.<br />
HOWEVER...God tells us <i>to seek and you will find. </i>Out of nowhere, we received a call that "something came up" and we can come in to see this world renowned systemic sclerosis specialist on May 6th. Which, is NEXT week. Hello. Yes to that.<br />
What does that appointment hold? Who knows. But, Gods sovereign hand does not relent.<br />
We specifically need you to pray that the viral infection in his body gets right on outta town. His immune system counts have NOT come up. We so badly need these numbers to rise. When he has a good day he wants to do things that make him feel normal. He wants to go to my cousins wedding this weekend, go to the movies, sit with us at church. But, the risk is just too high right now. We will NOT live in fear of germs...but we also want to give this Houston appointment our very best shot and he needs to be as germ free as he can be for that appt. Thank you for your encouragement to update. We need you all to intercede daily. We can't wait to shout from the rooftops the mighty work that God has done in Justin's heart. There has been a revival in his heart and that trumps any diagnosis, doctor or medication on this earth. We have already been given an eternal gift and His reminder of that is just too good for any words that I could ever come up with.<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3028463208901514717.post-86127191320413084402014-04-14T15:19:00.000-07:002014-04-14T15:19:07.853-07:00moments with JesusSo, JMac took a turn for the worst. We have been doing our best to manage his health with home health over the past few weeks. It has just become more dangerous for him to be in and out of hospitals and doctors offices than it is worth. And honestly, the doctors he has seen at the hospitals in San Antonio just don't know what to do with him. There have been lots of decisions and unknowns going on around here lately. Should we go back to Cleveland? Should we see a new specialist in Houston? Should he do IVIG? Should he leave the house at all?<br />
Our family doctor has been on the case. He and his team communicate with us almost daily. Saturday night I noticed some things were off and different with Justin. I have to check myself now and again to make sure I am not overreacting (I know, me overreacting is practically unimaginable)....so I called in a second set of eyes. We went with my gut and had him checked out. What was found can NOT be treated at home so sometime today he will be admitted to University Hospital. He needs to be followed by his pulmonologist (Dr. N) and seen by a GI specialist... Dr. N is at University and they will have the most advanced info for a patient like J. Our plan was to keep him OUT of the hospital. It is too hard on him. It is too frustrating to deal with new doctors every day. It is really just too hard on our family. But, we trust our PCP and this is what he strongly suggests.<br />
There are lots of additional details here that I am just not ready to share. Too many unknowns and what ifs. What we do know is that while we wait for the call to head to the hospital and while I scramble to wrap my head around another week of chaos...is that we have Jesus. It is just as simple as that. What happens at the hospital or with the doctors or in Justin's body is just really irrelevant. Jesus knit Justin together perfectly. He made no mistakes in creating him. Jesus will provide us with hope and peace and joy...even at the most unsuspecting times.<br />
God revealed something BIG to me recently. Something really amazing.<br />
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He reminded me that laughter is a gift that he created for our souls. Go to your Bible App and look up laughter. It is good.<br />
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A joyful heart is good medicine.. Proverbs 17:22<br />
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I am not always in the mood for laughing these days. Sometimes the days are really long and hard and the nights are the same. There are many things happening around me on a daily basis that remind me how NOT normal our life is.<br />
But laughter pops in just at the right time...Because sometimes you need to jump on the trampoline with your best friend. Or have an impromptu lunch with some girlfriends. Or dance with some nerds or talk about rhinos and HOA's. It is really good for the soul. I don't laugh as often as I would like these days, but God has saved some very special moments for me and I am pretty grateful for that. We are in awe of hard life can seem, but how precious the moments still are.<br />
Those moments are from Jesus.<br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3028463208901514717.post-68753371158824206992014-03-09T12:06:00.001-07:002014-03-09T12:11:18.291-07:00a very real updateSo much to update.<br />
The past week has been a complete whirl wind and I am glad it is over. Justin gave the doctors all a run for their money as they could not figure out what was causing him to have such trouble breathing and what was causing his mental status to be so wishy washy. I stood back in total exhaustion and frustration as the doctors checked EVERY nook and cranny of his internal organs and could not SEE anything new or different that would be causing these scary issues.<br />
They sent him home on oxygen Saturday with the plan to follow up with a doctor at the university. He remembers SO little of the past 7 days, which is scary and weird to say the least. Home oxygen is loud (think a mini generator in your room) but, it got him home and in our bed and together with our family and that is WORTH it.<br />
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So here is the thing... I am about to get real honest.<br />
This week I GAVE UP. I was over it. I wanted this all to be done.<br />
<b>I forgot about this:</b><br />
<span class="reftext" style="background-color: #fdfeff; color: #0092f2; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 14px; margin-left: 1px; margin-right: 2px; text-align: justify; vertical-align: text-top;"><a href="http://biblehub.com/2_corinthians/4-17.htm" style="color: #0092f2; text-decoration: none;">7</a></span><span style="background-color: #fdfeff; color: #001320; font-family: Trebuchet, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px; text-align: justify;">For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison,</span><span class="reftext" style="background-color: #fdfeff; color: #0092f2; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 14px; margin-left: 1px; margin-right: 2px; text-align: justify; vertical-align: text-top;"><a href="http://biblehub.com/2_corinthians/4-18.htm" style="color: #0092f2; text-decoration: none;">18</a></span><span class="highl" style="background-color: #fff4ec; color: #001320; font-family: Trebuchet, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px; text-align: justify;">while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal. (2 Corinthians 4:18)</span><br />
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I decided that my MOMENTARY affliction was too hard. I was looking for something that we could SEE, when surely I know that faith is believing in what can NOT be seen. This week I put my hope in the hands of doctors and my fear in disease rather than hanging on to the HOLY hope that I know to be truth.<br />
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I decided that this fight had gotten too hard and too inconvenient. I just want to stay at home and be a mom and work and do normal people things. I want to make meals for hurting people, not be the one accepting them. I want to fight for the the injustices all around me and focus on the ways God has gifted me to serve. I wanted them to figure this all out and get Justin better or not, but I wanted an end result. Because... I am selfish.<br />
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God created Eve because Adam needed a helpmate. A LIFE partner. An advocate.<br />
NOT because he needed a boss or a someone to just check the boxes when things got hard.<br />
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I want LIFE for my husband. <b>There is only one place to find life and that is in the freedom of Jesus Christ. </b>Life is not found in test results from doctors or answers from labs or university specialists. We have been there done that...and have been reminded every time that our God is greater and stronger and more mighty than every doctor on this earth put together. But, if Justin wants to change his mind and one day give up on meds and the next day he wants to see every specialist in America...t<u>hen that is what we will do.</u><br />
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I am emotional as I realize that His grace is sufficient. I turned my back on Him and to the world this week and <b>He stood there patiently waiting for me to GET A GRIP! </b>God doesn't NEED me to fight for Justin. He doesn't NEED me to play with my kids everyday. He doesn't NEED me to be a part of any ministry. He is the vine and we are the branches...apart from Him we can do NOTHING. It isn't the other way around, and I had to check myself for real ya'll.<br />
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Justin did not say much that made sense this week...but he did say that HE WILL FIGHT TO GIVE GOD THE GLORY FOR EACH AND EVERY DAY HE HAS LEFT.<br />
My rowdy, defiant, rule breaking, potty mouth, hilarious and handsome husband said that. If he can stand firm in that in his condition then the rest of us have NO excuse. None.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0