Friday we were given the opportunity to have a whole 24 hours together. No work...quiet time without kids....fun with kids....etc. Some sweet friends got us a night at a beautiful hotel down on the river walk and some other friends got us a gift card for a super yummy dinner. The plan was that we would spend the day together Friday in Boerne just relaxing, then we would take the boys to their school festival (huge deal because justin is never able to attend these types of things), then we would head to the restaurant for our romantic dinner and then to our even more romantic hotel....we were going to wake up saturday morning and just spend time together on the river walk (honey moon style) until we headed to church for side by side.
so thursday i said (out loud) "i am going to go into this weekend with NO expectations"...
I really thought I would be OK with whatever curveball came our way because I said "NO expectations" you know...i was thinking if justin was tired we would just relax more or if he started having pain we would just sit down or if he wanted to watch tv in the hotel room then that would all be fine.
I was so proud of myself for preparing myself for ANY situation. I was patting myself on the back in advance for being such a sweet and supportive wife.
HA to me.
A few hours after we started our sweet date day on Friday...Justin got really sick. Like REALLY sick. Long story short...we spent the afternoon in the emergency room. I took the boys to their little festival by myself (well not totally by myself...our sweet katelyn joined us)...while justin got checked in and then I met him back there. After four hours of getting him back to "normal" we were able to leave. I was so crushed. My heart felt so broken about our day. This was NOT what we had planned. This was not how it was supposed to happen. I was so disappointed as we finally headed out to the hotel after 8pm. The next morning I woke up and decided that we could surely make the best of the rest of this. We had until 2:30pm to just hang out and be together. But...Justin slept until 1. I found myself getting angry as I sat in the dark hotel room alone in the quiet.
BUT...then I went outside and gave the Lord some time that he had so thoughtfully planned right out for me. I was not doing a good job at all. I had LOTS of expectations of this little 24 hour getaway. Lots. I was expecting Justin to fill this time up and make it perfect for us. I was depending on him to make me happy. I needed him to be awake and up and walking and talking for my day to be good. How opposite of right could i go?? I was not depending on God one tiny little bit.
How humbling it was for me to sit there and say "ok god...i was trusting in you to make this time be BLESSED and good....oh wait...no i wasnt"....sorry God. I was sitting there sad and crying and looking at my peacefully resting husband and thinking how badly i wanted a normal day with him. an easy breezy carefree day with him. i was single handedly ruining this precious quiet time that the Lord had gifted me with...because I was too busy thinking about what it COULD have been.
What a GREAT BIG GIANT FAT blessing that Justin was ASLEEP!!! Hello!!! HALLELUJAH! This man is exhausted and stays up for days at a time. What a burden it must be for him to carry the weight of my happiness on his shoulders? Yuck. How very selfish of me. The Lord is begging for those burdens and I rudely want them all to myself. I thought I had that all figured out. I thought I was waking up each day and putting my sadness at His feet and walking around with my head held high...but I have only been doing that half heartedly. It is truly a GREAT challenge to do that WHOLE heartedly. I do not think I will ever have that totally figured out...but I sure am going to give it my all.
If I could trust in Him more....and give Him more...and seek Him more...than surely life would be better right? No...because that is not His promise to us. We dont get a gold star for each time we submit. We dont get an extra jewel on our crown for each time we pray. We simply get his love and THAT should be enough. Think about how much you love your children and spouse...and multiply that by a gazillion. THAT is how much our Father loves us. No matter what. What can we do to be more deserving of that? How can we honor that gift?
I thought I had it all figured out. I thought I was just good to go in that department.
I am so excited for this new opportunity to TRUST. And SUBMIT. And LOVE in the way we were born to love. I have a new picture of what "expectations" look like. I have a renewed spirit living in me today because God gave me an opportunity to seek him in the quiet and hear a message he so desperately wanted me to hear. Thank you Lord for your great love. No love is greater. Thanks for the reminder :)
The End.
PS: pray for justins breathing...glucose...prescriptions...and sleep.
