come thirsty to the water

I have been "off" lately. To be honest I have been flat out sad, anxious, lonely and overwhelmed. I have felt a bit out of control and I also felt embarrassed by that. Since January the going has been tough around here. Typically when the going gets tough we get going....but I haven't been able to get one foot in front of the other and that has been disheartening. I am strong, faithful, I rely on TRUTH, I know where my enemy sits, I have accountability, mentorship and etc. Somewhere along this journey I convinced myself that we have enough going on around here and there is simply no time for my grief. Maybe I felt a little obligated to be grateful for all that is GOOD, because let's face it....so many have it MUCH worse.
So with the prompting from a few friends a couple of complete strangers I feel like this post is due.
Here are some things to know:
- I do not have it all together
- I forget something important every day
- I do not read my Bible every day
- I have a sitter come twice a week so I can work or just sit in my car in the quiet
- I only make it to church about once a month these days
- Sometimes I get mad at people who aren't hurting
- I never say no to eating pizza
- I am often jealous of people's family time

So, most of you all are very aware how imperfect I am...but now it is out there for all to see. I am sure there are some spicier things I could add to the list, but I thought this was sufficient for today :)

Hear me say this - I am GRATEFUL for the life God has entrusted me with. I am in awe of His sovereign hand on my life on the daily. I would NOT trade this life for any other because I would miss out on too many great things that have happened and happen in this one. I was intricately created by a loving God to care for these people. This life is good and full of reminders of how big He is and how small we are.

And now hear this - THAT DOES NOT MEAN THAT I ALWAYS LIKE IT.

I have been in a big fat phase of I don't wanna.

I was going through my Jesus Drawer...haha just kidding, I don't call it that, but I do have a drawer where I keep different talks I have done, notes from studies, etc. Anyways, I came across a talk I did last year about Brody. Gah, I love that kid. He was born mid hospital evacuation due to Hurricane Ike and he was born with lots of little medical issues that we were completely in the dark about. It was all such a surprise, and not the surprise party with all your friends kind of thing. More like if you were sitting in your bed reading a book and then out of nowhere someone dropped 100 gallons of ice water on your head. We were shocked, scared, confused and so on. At that time, God gave us an opportunity. We could sit in the fear and mourning and loss of what we thought our lives would be or step off the boat (Matthew 14:29). We looked directly ahead and set our eyes on Jesus and we got off that boat and we have never looked back. Brody has challenging moments. He is stubborn as all get out, he can be pretty unfriendly at times, he kind of likes to hit, he won't eat a dang sandwich, and he poops his pants at least once a week. But, at the very same time he can be THE most loving, huggable, snuggly, kissing, hilarious, tender, smiley, smart, yummy chunk of love on this whole planet.

I am getting to the point now...when Justin and I had Brody we didn't make a conscious "choice" to go ahead and love him just as he was. We did what was natural to us. Brody is our son and we wouldn't have him any other way. It wasn't easy from the starting line and it won't be easy as we race to the finish line but the Lord is close to the brokenhearted as we all run this race together (Psalm 34:18). Justin's health situation is far from easy and enjoyable. In fact, it has changed every tiny piece of the way we do life. Most of the time it flat out sucks. A "good day" here looks FAR different than what a "normal" persons good day may look like. If Justin is awake for two straight hours or if he drives to Walgreens...we had a "good day" - He even got to go to a work dinner with me the other night which was basically his first restaurant debut in months....that day was off the charts! We choose to find joy in these circumstances because its just too hard when you don't. I tried...and I don't like it.

Reading scripture and doing all the devos and singing all the songs don't FIX anything. Anyone can slap on a spiritual bandaid and then become disappointed when healing didn't occur. But, the TRUTH soothes us, shapes us, forms our hearts and that takes the sting out. Truth gives fear a swift kick and allows hope to enter the hurting places. Truth doesn't FIX anything, but it opens the door to this exciting place full of comfort, miracles, meaning and rest for our weary souls.

Peter fell, but at least he got off the boat!