new prayer pants

We sure are grateful for all of your prayers. Justin is doing really well post op. His surgeon does not have him starting PT for another week, because he really just wants him to rest and heal. This time around has just been much smoother and more manageable for all of us. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and Justin has his eyes on the prize. And that prize is WALKING.

I have been thinking a lot about prayer lately. I am so excited when our prayers are answered and I know that God hears us loud and clear. I know He hears each and every request made to Him. And, I know that sometimes our requests are not answered. Or maybe they are, but way later than we had hoped. I try to pray according to His will...but I am also not afraid to ask Him for a miracle and to change his mind. He made me GREAT at changing my mind all the time, so surely he possesses that gift  as well ;) Sometimes unanswered prayers bring upon discouragement that makes me want to just forget it. Sometimes just having enough faith to know that GOD knows what we need is tough stuff. The Lord was pleased with Solomon when he came to Him and asked for wisdom and discernment. I want to be radically dependent on Him. I want to change my prayer life dramatically...seeking less of what is going on in this house and more of what is going on in His house. I so easily get complacent in letting circumstances define me...even when I insist they do not. His kingdom is so much bigger than me and my house. I came across something David Platt wrote:

“God beckons storm clouds and they come. He tells the wind to blow and the rain to fall, and they obey immediately. He speaks to the mountains, 'You go there,' and He says to the seas, 'You stop here, and they do it. Everything in all creation responds in obedience to the Creator...until we get to you and me. We have the audacity to look God in the face and say, 'No.” 

And that is true. Not only do I have the nerve to tell him NO, sometimes I just flat out ignore Him and worse than that....I make a LOT of decisions without Him at all. It is so obvious to me when I make a decision WITH Him. The peace you feel in those decisions cannot be explained.

It is time to exchange my prayer pants. Mine are dingy and need new life. Good thing it's tax free weekend.

In other news, we have about 14 days of summer left. We are pretty much homebound so I can take care of the mister....AND I broke my stupid foot. It is just the little bone on the end, but it hurts and its a big ol pain in the booty. Justin and I plan on sword fighting with our crutches later. Bummer.
We are going to enjoy these last two weeks of summer no matter the circumstances. Currington Elementary is about to take my Bryce away and bum foot, bum hip, bum whatever else...we are gonna make the BEST! So, Amen to that, ya'll,

goodbye to today

Today was one of those days that I wished would have ended sooner. I know I have used the roller coaster analogy before, but I am just too tired to think of anything better right now. Today was a roller coaster. A big bad scary one. One that loops way more than necessary. One that you feel nauseous while you're on, and even more so when you're off. As we dealt with life today, my stomach was flipping and turning and knotting. But, unfortunately I wasn't anywhere where they serve funnel cake.

The day started with the doctors reporting that justin's "everything" was low. Low calcium, magnesium, blood sugar, potassium etc and most importantly...his blood count. To try and explain the way things are communicated here among doctors and nurses would be a joke. It's just impossible.
The verdict was to give him a blood transfusion and also calcium, magnesium and potassium through an IV. It is a scary things to watch someone else's blood drip into another person's body. Especially when the receiver has an uncooperative body. I know blood transfusions are common...but this is Justin we are talking about. Pain was at an all time high today and the frustration of not being able to help him myself was overwhelming. It was hard enough dealing with a doctor that hadn't taken the time to look at his chart and find out what he was diagnosed with, but we also found out she had changed some very important meds without checking with us. It is pretty surreal to have so much responsibility for Justin's care. Nobody in this building loves him and care for him as much as I do, and I am grateful to be his advocate, but I am not gonna lie ya'll...it is a lot of pressure.

I felt helpless many times today. I was on my knees pleading to Jesus. For relief, comfort, some understanding, some intervention! I needed Jesus to hear my cries for help. I know He did, and I am comforted in that, but still heartbroken at the same time. I know that God is walking with us down this dark and scary road. I know that for many reasons. I trust Him. I know His plan is good. I know He hears my pleas. I know He can heal Justin. But, today was a day where I didn't want anything but for the road to end. I just don't want this anymore. Today it is too much.

Justin couldn't handle visitors today, but before I had time to let anyone know that...comfort was sent and it was so good. So necessary and so good. God delights in my weakness because he can hold me closest at that time, but He knew what I needed to keep me from darkness. He always knows just what we need. He sent laughs and hugs and just bodies to sit in the waiting room...and food at just the right time. The texts and messages and prayers are so precious. Even when we can't respond and even when we think our phones are going to spark and catch fire from going off so much...we are reminded how He brought so many to carry this load alongside us. It is really incredible. We aren't THAT nice...so its clear that you were are all sent by Him ;)
And we have a 6 foot bugs bunny in here. So, you can't be too sad when that is looking at you.

We don't have information on his current labs yet. We probably won't hear how things are looking until morning. If his blood counts haven't gone up, then he will have to get more blood tomorrow.
I am done with today. I ran home for a little bit earlier to kiss my boys and to have a much needed cry in my own shower. Now I am where I am supposed to be...advocating for Justin and praying fervently for tomorrow to be so much better than today.

Thanks for keeping up, ya'll. Your prayers got us through this day. No doubt about that.

Goodbye today. I am done with you.

surgery update

Surgery was a success! Pain is present (as expected), but is being managed. Right after surgery was hard for him pain wise, but today is much better. PT came in around 9:30 and he made it from the bed to his chair with a walker...and he didn't barf! My man is so legit. He makes using a walker and wearing a dress so macho. For real.
Prayere requests include: pain management, AGAINST infection (this is the biggest prayer request as this is the biggest risk factor for him), rest, for the boys and everyone who has them, a more speedy healing at the incision site than last time, and for the transition from hospital to home. We will be here a few more days...not sure exactly how long.
The time before the surgery was tough. Anxiety + tension + worry = no bueno. We didn't take the time we did before to really draw nearer to the Lord in the days before surgery. And the absence of that peace was a bummer. Thankfully, Christ dwells in our hearts. He desires us to call out to Him...but He shows up even when we don't take the time to ask. Ephesians 3 reminds us that He gifted us with the ability to access Him at any time. Our faith gives us His strength...and with that we have all we need. Walking out of the double doors (from pre op) to the waiting room reminded me of the walk I used to make from the Cleveland Clinic hospital down the empty hallway to my hotel room. It is the most lonely place in all the world. VERY lonely. Letting the tears go or holding them back both bear a weight far too heavy. I hesitated before walking out of those double doors yesterday.  I wondered if I had just had my last conversation with my husband. I wondered if he would make it out this time. I irrationally considered that if I didn't walk through the doors, then I wouldn't have to worry. If I stayed safely on that side...then everything would be ok. Grief makes you think crazy stuff ya'll. And, I really felt safer on that side of the doors. I closed my eyes and prayed so hard that a nurse would not ask me if I needed help getting to the waiting room. I just needed to stand in that place for a minute. After many deep breaths I pulled up my bootstraps (not really, who would wear boots in July?!) and pushed open the doors. The feelings of fear  didnt go away, but as I took a moment to accept the reality...peace set in. I wasn't strong enough to ask God to help me. I couldnt come up with the words. I didn't know how to make a word come out without totally losing it. I couldn't even form a prayer. But, God filled that space where the fear was. He used a big bad gang of warriors to stand in the gap for me. I didn't have to ask. He knew. And they knew. Justin's fears were different than mine, but we both were covered. He delighted in our weakness, because He got the chance to be strong. Pray that we will both continue to give Him the glory for our strength. Pray that we will remember the pleasure God has in our weakness.

Thank you to each of you who have texted, messaged, called, emailed, sent goodies, signed up to bring us food, prayed, mowed our yard, loved on our boys. Thank you to all of the people who made walking through those double doors easier. You all bless us more than you know.

Forgive us for being lame communicators right now!

And now, look at all this awesomeness below. Fall is going to be BUSY time with school and sports and LOTS of places to share your gifts. Here are a few of my VERY favorite things:
Get involved, ya'll.

Young Life Clay Shoot - August 18th (chady@qualityguttersystems.com)

Richey Family Adoption BBQ - September 7th

Run at the Ranch - September 28th

Clays for Cara - October 5th

Young Life Banquet - October 6th (sncdavis@gmail.com)

Stillwater Sports Camp Scramble - October 17th

Save the date for Taking it to the Streets Rodeo event November 9th

a thing or two about July

Ok, blog break over. I have had lots of posts floating in my head over the past few weeks...but never enough time to sit and focus. We survived chemo and IVIG week. It took a crazy toll on Justin and I cannot say that he is really looking forward to the monthly IVIG, BUT it is the best thing for his immune system....so it must be done. The right hip replacement will take place early Wednesday morning. He is really looking forward to it. That may sound a little silly since it is a big and painful surgery, but nothing can beat the pain of trying to deal with living life with a collapsed hip and cracked femur. It is daunting to look ahead to the recovery, but encouraging to know that some relief WILL be provided.

This has been a hard time for all of us. Hard for the boys to watch their dad spend most of the summer in bed. Hard for me to spend so much time without a partner. Hard for Justin to keep a positive attitude when he can only muster the energy to leave his bed and do something fun about once a week. It has been hard for each of us to figure out this season. In fact, we don't have it figured out and I don't think we will figure it out anytime soon. Per the norm...we don't know what is ahead. We can only take this one day at a time. 

Just about the time that I start to think I am going to throw my hands up, God throws a brick at my head and tells me to pull it together. This summer I have struggled with a dark cloud hanging over my head. It has made me feel a bit of a darkness I have not experienced before. More defeat than normal. More alone. More exhausted. I continue to carry the peace God gave me about this journey, but that peace has just been shadowed a bit with the cloud. I have withdrawn quite a bit from so much, and God honored my time that I gave to Him big time. The Lord did a work in me last week that has shoved that cloud aside. It isn't completely gone, but I know He will use that dark place to bring light...as He has done time and time again. 

Last week I had the extreme privilege of being a part of Stillwater Sports Camp. When the boys and I arrived to camp, I felt very out of place. I didn't really know anyone, I felt intimidated about speaking to youth rather than my peers, I felt irritated that Justin couldn't be there with me, I felt unprepared. 

The first night was hard. Even just introducing myself, I felt like a stranger in my own skin. The next day Katie and her kids came to visit us, she let me whine and moan and talk it all out and it was apparently just what I needed. I realized I was worrying about the wrong things. I was worried about what I was going to say and how the girls were going to perceive me...rather than how God was going to work through me and how they would receive His word through me. I finally stopped fighting it and submitted. The words He gave me to share...taught me so much. He took everything I had prepared and threw it out the window, He had me buried deep in His word and brought very specific verses to camp out on. Speaking to youth brought me far far out of my comfort zone...which is where the really good stuff happens. The place where you need Him the most is the place He speaks most clearly. Right outside what feels easy is a whole bunch of really great things. 

God never ceases to amaze me. Amidst the dark cloud of health and future He showed me much more than I deserved to see. I would have been satisfied in just feeling His presence and knowing that He would sustain me through the coming weeks. But no, He asked me to dig deep and rise up...and that is where He showed me some really great things. 

And the week in pics!

I was blessed with several sweet visitors through the week...

Here is a pic of the party that came out Wednesday night!

I even roped this gal into jumping in for an incredible time of worship. 

 The boys had a BLAST! I mean who wouldnt have fun chasing a banana across camp?!

 I got a couple days with just this guy while super pop pop entertained the other two. 

The Golgotha run was such an inspiring time out at camp. 

Loving on the girls and praying over them when they finished was  a highlight of the week for sure. 

 Sunday Night intro

 Monday Night talk about His Creation + accountability 

Tuesday Night talk about Matthew 11:28

Wednesday Night talk on the Resurrection and the Holy Spirit

And then this little treat.

 And a final Thursday morning talk to encourage the girls to set themselves apart from the world by tapping into the fruits of the spirit. 

Camp, you blessed me big. You have my heart Stillwater! 

cleveland 2013

Exactly two years ago Justin and I prepared to spend our 4th of July in the Cleveland Clinic Hospital. Our boys were back home being loved on by friends and family while Justin was enduring test after test to confirm all that he had been diagnosed with. Today we sit in the Cleveland Airport heading home and feeling grateful that we will spend the 4th of July in Boerne with our boys. This trip was different than the trips of the past. Our other visits to the Cleveland Clinic always ended in Justin being admitted, a new diagnosis, an infection found, a plan changed etc. I would sit by and watch as teams and teams of doctors would fill his room and sit in wonder as they tried to figure him out. We sat in anticipation that one of these brilliant doctors would be the doctor that would be able to "fix" him. None of them did. Two years later, we rolled him into the Cleveland Clinic in his wheelchair and jaws dropped. These doctors are the real deal. They write the books that our doctors back home learn from. They were genuinely surprised to see that things had worsened and that Justin was still alive. His doctors gathered together and examined him head to toe and rambled their doctor talk (which I wrote down and then had to google later) back and forth. And then it came time for our jaws to drop. The conclusion was that "Justin, you are alive BY GOD'S GRACE" Wow. 
 White blood cells are what defends your body from infection. Justin's two main treatments are Rituxan which is a chemo infusion and Immunosuppressant medications (which keep his body from rejecting his organs). His body is continuously attacking itself and basically no part of his internal self is safe...against itself. Sorry if I lost you in that mumbo jumbo. Anyways, the combination of his treatment plan wipes out both his T cells and his B cells (both white blood cells). This makes Justin what the doctors referred to as "a ticking time bomb for infection"...pretty comforting, not. He literally has no immune system plus he has a living fungus in his lungs (aspergillosis). The medications he takes could mask an infection until it was basically too late. This is why even the best doctors around can recognize that he is here only by the GRACE OF GOD. The doctors were able to explain some things to us and provide some info on why certain treatments have not worked in the past. They agreed that his doctors in SA are doing the best they can do. They did a ton of labs and want to go over all of that thoroughly before they make any adjustments to the treatment plan. Other than a few minor changes, we are pretty much already on track for the best possible treatment plan for Justin right now. IVIG (which starts Monday) will really help in replenishing those B cells which will provide at least some protection over his body for infection. He will do this once every month over 3 or 4 days. It does not make him feel well during and after, but it will be worth it in the long run. So, there is that. I feel like now more than ever we have seen the grandiosity of God's grace. James 1:24 tells us to count it ALL joy. We know that God uses ordinary people to accomplish extraordinary things. He did it over and over again in the Bible. He has a great plan for our little family...I just know it. We know that every good and perfect thing comes from above and we know that his enormous gift of grace is one of those very perfect things. This is no doubt a lot to handle. For all of us, but especially for Justin. We can't see the final chapter of His big and perfect plan, but we do know that is will be good. The ending to this WILL be good. This man has been transformed and this family will never be the same. Life is short, we know this, but eternity is well...forever. Bringing Bryce on this trip was hard, but such a great choice. It was hard to have him there hearing first hand from doctors that they can't "fix" his daddy, but it was a great distraction and reminded us to have some fun too. We had to have some hard discussions, including one where Bryce prayed that his daddy would be able to meet his kids when he grows up and gets married one day. But, His mighty and always sufficient grace kept the discouragement at bay. We did the one and only Cleveland tourist attraction....the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame! It was fun and Bryce had a blast. Thanks for the prayer, ya'll.

It is no secret that I love summer. I love the freedom and the sleeping in and all the extra time with our friends. This summer is different than the norm, but I kinda think I love it. We have had to slow down quite a bit and I think that is just what we needed. I am not usually a be at home kind of gal...but God knew just what we needed when we moved into our new home. I love His plans for us. Our Leon Springs house had been on the market on and off for over a year. We went out on a BIG huge limb and bought our new house while it was still on the market. We even took it off the market while we packed and moved. Only crazy people would do that. Crazy faithful people of course.
Because... three days after we were settled and put the Leon Springs house back on the market...it sold. Yup. Sold. We have had lots of different plans over the past year of where we were going to go and where we were going to live and so on and so forth. But as always, His plans were better. So much better than we could have imagined. His generosity is overwhelming.
Summer brings weddings and fathers day and summer camps and bathing suits. We were honored to attend a wedding of a sweet couple the day before fathers day. It was so bittersweet to sit back and watch the adorable couple pledge their adoration to each other. They were standing on the forefront of the most carefree moments of their lives. Their best and worst moments are yet to come. Such a precious time that only comes ONCE in your life.
I never thought for a second that my vows would become a reality. For richer and for poorer. In sickness and in health. Through good times and bad. It just seemed like words to me on the day we gathered with our loved ones to celebrate. I knew I was making a commitment to the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, but there was so much I didn't know. I didn't think big things happened to regular people. I never thought we would move away from home and be surprised with a special needs child (during a hurricane of course), I never thought I would lose my mom so abruptly, I never thought I would stand over my husband wondering how much more time I had with him. These are things that I never could have predicted...but was clearly prepared for. God gave me the tools...for such a time as this. 

We are preparing a return to the Cleveland Clinic next week. We are going to make a quick trip to get a second opinion on the current treatment plan. When we return, Justin will get started with IVIG and then will have Chemo treatments coming up. We will find out this week when we should plan for his right hip replacement. We still need to address his heart...among other things...but one day at a time.
I feel like it would be so nice to just worry about normal people things....like work, vacations, money and what is for dinner. But, those storms are for others and THIS storm is ours. These curve balls are being thrown to US and if we sit around wishing we were on the bench, we wouldn't be able to knock those balls out of the park. God is continuing to do a mighty work in our hearts. His plan was so much greater than us just saying I DO. He had a lot for us to get through after that day and he wanted us to lean on Him every step of the way...I can't wait to meet Him face to face and say "WE DID."

summer lovin

I just cannot believe summer is upon us again. I love summer so much. The freedom, the fun, the extra time with friends, the late nights...the junk food :) Such a memory making time. Especially when you live with a whole buncha rowdy boys. As I say every year...summer brings back lots of great memories of my mom. That gal loved her some summer. Flip flops and water and frosty beverages.
It is sometimes a hard balance to keep the "business" part of our lives from messing up the fun. And by business I mean the elephant in the room part...the sick part. It is hard to plan things, commit to things, look forward to things and even to deal with missing out on certain things. Keeping up with doctor appointments and treatment schedules can be a full time job. It is hard...but nothing is harder than watching your husbands face when he is pain. This recent surgery has rocked our world. The new treatment plan and the inevitable right hip replacement and the impending trip to Cleveland can be overwhelming...but to add the pain on top of that? I just cannot imagine. Justin's illness affects most of my life. BUT, I can go away from it. I can leave the house and spend time with my friends and even if its just for an hour or two...I can forget about it. I am limited in what I can do and where I can go and what I can plan...but I can still do things that I want to do. I can chase the boys, I can jump on a trampoline, I can go for a run, I can take them swimming, I can sit out in the sun, I can teach them to ride a bike, I can dance. These are things that Justin cannot do. He may be able to do things like this one day, but it would only be by the miraculous grace of God. It has been eye opening for me to see this reality. I know how limiting it feels to have the flu or to be pregnant or to have just had a baby...and that is hard enough. I cannot take his specific burden upon myself and that is frustrating. Jesus asks us to give Him our load. He wants to take it and trade us for his light and easy load. I get that scripture and I cling to it. But, in this situation I just wish I could be more literal...even just for a day.
The new treatment plan is a heavy load to carry. We will add IVIG back in, we will reduce steroids slowly to reduce the potential spread of AVN...and we will fervently pray for no flare ups with the other diseases, we will return to Cleveland as these doctors know him and need to be aware of the worst case scenario that became a reality for us, we will prepare for another surgery and we will do it with our heads held high. You better believe there are people out there who have it worse. There are people who are suffering without the community we have. Jesus has been so merciful with us. We mess up continuously and He won't stop wrapping His arms around us. I will never be able to comprehend His grace. It's too big for my little ol brain. I hope that whatever challenge you are facing right now...no matter how big or small...that you will trade your burden for the Lord's. That will forever be easier said than done, so set a reminder each morning on your phone and see if that helps :)
We are gonna press the snooze button on that reminder many times I am sure of it, but we are gonna get through THIS...because our God said so. He showed us the ultimate sacrifice and He has taught us to perservere. So let's do it ya'll. Happy Summer.

PS: Don't you just LOVE my advertisers? They are the BEST. Click on their logos to go straight to their web pages!! These are some of my favorite people and businesses in all the world. And that is the truth!

a yay and a nay

I know all you mamas are busy busy planning all your summer fun. I wanted to share something that the macs are super excited about! WOW CAMPS! All my boys are already signed up. I have known the owner for years and adore her. The little guys are so excited to go to their very own camps...and for $95?! You can't beat that. The camps at Boerne Lake are going to be SO fun for the BIG kids. Those are priced at $130 and I just know they are going to fill up fast! Check it out...you know you want to!

And now for my nay. 

Sad sad sad stuff to say about this company. I have never complained of a business on social media...but today is the day I gotta do it. The Moving Company on I10 in Boerne really treated us like poo. Justin even explained prior to hiring him that he was 100% unable to help at all...that EVERY single item needed to be moved. He asked them to pack the kitchen for us...which they charged us $500 for. They didnt even wrap the dishes :( Our couch and two beds are broken. The young men who moved us were so nice....but clearly had not been trained. They actually told us they had never packed a house before. But, when I called the owner after the move to let him know of the damages...he called me AND his employees LIARS. Bummer. I am a lot of things...but a liar I am not. When you plan to move, I suggest you spend your money elsewhere. 

This is how they packed boxes :(

These are just a few of the things they left behind and I had to go get before Justin's surgery. They also left behind our washer and dryer. We didn't go back for the second load because it was already 10pm! Bummer. 

Now go sign your kids up for camp!

thanks James + baptism day pics

I have been praying and praying for God to speak something mighty into me. I have been in a funk ya'll. I have had my head in a cloud...focusing on worldly things. Things that make me feel sad or left out or different. I have felt the past few days that I had something to prove. 

And, I don't. 

The book of James tell us to:

- humble ourselves before the Lord and He will exalt us

 -do not speak against one another

-draw near to the Lord

I gave up something this morning that was bothering me. I felt I had a right to something...and I don't. I don't have a right to be understood. I don't have a right to prove anything to anyone. 

God is a friend to those in need. He is jealous of our desires to prove something to the rest of the world. I boldly ask for GRACE as I lay pride on the cross and get back on track. You can't prove who you are with words. It must be shown by action and example...which means I have some work to do. 

God refine my heart as I draw close to you in this time of reflection.

There is no better reminder of His endless gift of GRACE than salvation. 

I feel honored to walk alongside a man who finds JOY no matter what. You just won't find him feelings sorry for himself. He will NOT be a victim of his circumstances. I have a thing or two to learn from him when my head gets too far in the clouds. 

I am grateful for his example to our kids.  He shows them by EXAMPLE that when times get tough...you just keep on truckin. Didn't you know you can still throw a football (in my bedroom!!!) even if you can't really walk? You can do so much, even when you have so little. When what he thought was the best of his life has been taken from him....

He got his crutches out and drove to the river to recommit his life to his creator. 

Now the best of his life can begin...robo-hip and all.  

Justin was re-baptized a few days before his big surgery at our friends ranch. Many of our dearest friends joined us to celebrate. Weatherchannel.com ain't got nothin on our God!

In true Texan spirit, we hopped in the back of trucks and headed down to the river. 

I couldn't have handpicked a better group of men to live life alongside my husband. Encouragers, leaders, loving husbands, devoted fathers, goofballs...and a whole bunch of aggies :)

LOOK AT THEIR FACES!!!

I think God accidentally forgot to give me one of these girls. One of them is mine. I just know it. 

This just makes me smile. 

And then this little treasure that was found. 

We choose JOY.