Friday, August 2, 2013

goodbye to today

Today was one of those days that I wished would have ended sooner. I know I have used the roller coaster analogy before, but I am just too tired to think of anything better right now. Today was a roller coaster. A big bad scary one. One that loops way more than necessary. One that you feel nauseous while you're on, and even more so when you're off. As we dealt with life today, my stomach was flipping and turning and knotting. But, unfortunately I wasn't anywhere where they serve funnel cake.

The day started with the doctors reporting that justin's "everything" was low. Low calcium, magnesium, blood sugar, potassium etc and most importantly...his blood count. To try and explain the way things are communicated here among doctors and nurses would be a joke. It's just impossible.
The verdict was to give him a blood transfusion and also calcium, magnesium and potassium through an IV. It is a scary things to watch someone else's blood drip into another person's body. Especially when the receiver has an uncooperative body. I know blood transfusions are common...but this is Justin we are talking about. Pain was at an all time high today and the frustration of not being able to help him myself was overwhelming. It was hard enough dealing with a doctor that hadn't taken the time to look at his chart and find out what he was diagnosed with, but we also found out she had changed some very important meds without checking with us. It is pretty surreal to have so much responsibility for Justin's care. Nobody in this building loves him and care for him as much as I do, and I am grateful to be his advocate, but I am not gonna lie ya' is a lot of pressure.

I felt helpless many times today. I was on my knees pleading to Jesus. For relief, comfort, some understanding, some intervention! I needed Jesus to hear my cries for help. I know He did, and I am comforted in that, but still heartbroken at the same time. I know that God is walking with us down this dark and scary road. I know that for many reasons. I trust Him. I know His plan is good. I know He hears my pleas. I know He can heal Justin. But, today was a day where I didn't want anything but for the road to end. I just don't want this anymore. Today it is too much.

Justin couldn't handle visitors today, but before I had time to let anyone know that...comfort was sent and it was so good. So necessary and so good. God delights in my weakness because he can hold me closest at that time, but He knew what I needed to keep me from darkness. He always knows just what we need. He sent laughs and hugs and just bodies to sit in the waiting room...and food at just the right time. The texts and messages and prayers are so precious. Even when we can't respond and even when we think our phones are going to spark and catch fire from going off so much...we are reminded how He brought so many to carry this load alongside us. It is really incredible. We aren't THAT its clear that you were are all sent by Him ;)
And we have a 6 foot bugs bunny in here. So, you can't be too sad when that is looking at you.

We don't have information on his current labs yet. We probably won't hear how things are looking until morning. If his blood counts haven't gone up, then he will have to get more blood tomorrow.
I am done with today. I ran home for a little bit earlier to kiss my boys and to have a much needed cry in my own shower. Now I am where I am supposed to be...advocating for Justin and praying fervently for tomorrow to be so much better than today.

Thanks for keeping up, ya'll. Your prayers got us through this day. No doubt about that.

Goodbye today. I am done with you.

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