Friday, January 23, 2015

What if it doesn't get better?

What if it doesn't get better?


What if my husband is only awake about 5 hours a week for another 35 years?

What if he continues to suffer? And I continue to lose steam in the fight to stay strong and positive and provide endless care, mercy and grace? And the boys start to quietly tip toe back to our room to check on daddy less and less? And I continue to feel less and less like a wife each day and more and more like just a caregiver?

What if this temporary life starts to feel like eternity?

What if I start to have thoughts that leave me filled to the brim with guilt?

What if it doesn't get better?!

I typically steer clear from writing when I am hurting so deeply. I wait until God shows me the rainbow. I wait until my head feels more clear and my heart feels more full. I wait until I can reflect on the hard spot and how graciously God lovingly pulled me out of that place and back into the light of eternal perspective.

I have been tapping my foot with my arms crossed for weeks and that dang rainbow hasn't showed up. And I realized just a few moments ago that I don't have to "see" it to know it's there.'s there. That rainbow is hope and hope doesn't take a vacation.

I am allowed to feel alone. I am allowed to feel like it is unfair. I am allowed to really really really want my old husband back. I am allowed to hurt for my kids. I am allowed to feel so very broken.

And then I am allowed to take some deep breaths, get on my knees, close my eyes tightly and PRAISE him in this darkness. He is more than enough for me. I will not lose heart.

I will not lose heart. I will wake up tomorrow and bask in his majesty. He is waiting for me. And when I lose sight again of the glory that lies ahead...He will again wait for me. 10,000 times He will wait for me.

And it will get better.

Because, I know for a FACT that this is not our eternity.

In His word...Hope awaits. So, I better get my butt in the word.

Thursday, January 1, 2015


Top 20 of 2014

This year has been crazy. I haven't blogged much at all. Justin said this year has been the worst...and because I love a good challenge, I went ahead and chose to prove him wrong.

Here is my top 20 of particular order, because I had to scroll through instagram to remember what even happened this year. I got lazy on some of the pictures...but Justin admitted this year wasn't so bad = Winner.

1. VAULT - It has been so fun to sit back and watch God put this ministry together. Plus getting to know baby Jules and all the other sweet kids that have been placed in this community.

2. Disciple Now - Having the senior boys here was a blast. I couldn't tell you who had more fun...Justin or Brody, Bryce and Brax.

3. FaceTime with Josiah - The Fickeys got to visit Josiah in the Congo and they called us! It was a flat out gift to see that baby boy with his mama and papa!

4. Brody graduated preschool - he was such a ham on the stage.

5. Brody also started kinder which has been pretty wonderful. And Bryce in 3rd grade...ugh get out!

6. Still Water - I was blessed to be a part of this organization! A successful fundraising dinner, super saturday, creating champ camp, two weeks of camp and wow...lots of great memories and very special friendships made!

7. The Quit Trippin Fool shirts - no explanation needed!

8. I got to go to New York with my bff for my 30th birthday!

9. Bryce was awarded the Principals Award for PE!

10. TRUDY!

11. I witnessed a miracle.

12. Beach Trip with the Harpers

13. Our last Christmas Program at FBC - this is so bittersweet.

14. Clays for Cara - honoring a dear friend and once again seeing our community rally for us.

15. Camp Eagle

16. Going fake sky diving for Katie's 35th!

17. Another trip to New York for Hillsong! - this one was a bit bittersweet too, but New York is good no matter what!

18. Spending Christmas at my Dads house!

19. This.

20. Justin. One more day with Justin.

the mac movie

I have known Justin for about 11 years. Lots has happened in that time. Four houses. Three kids. Two dogs. And one VERY great love.
While Justin was having a smidge of a health scare recently, a great friend distracted me with looking up my celebrity look alike. I will not even dare share the nonsense that this dumb website generated...but it got me thinking about the fun anecdote of our life story as a movie.
If you have never sat down and thought about what celebrities would play each of your family members in a lifetime movie...then do it now. It will make you smile :) Anyways, I kind of always considered our story as more of a tragic love story. There is this great love, but something was always in the way. A baby before marriage. A stomach bug on our wedding day. A dying grandma. A special needs son. A terminal diagnosis. A lot of loneliness.
Then, I took that story and really meditated on it. None of those things are what I think of when I look at the past 11 years. What I really think of is the moment I saw Justin for the first time... I got weak in the knees. The smile on Justin's face when he met Bryce for the first time...the way he looked at me that day. Laughter. So much laughter. Adventure. Companionship. Real, true and very deep commitment.
In the beginning we were pretty focused on us. I had been in a hard relationship and I just wanted to be happy. My focus was ME and MY happiness. Justin saw for the first time his true potential and knew HIS future would be bright. The we blinked and WE were pregnant with our second son, church hopping, moving to Boerne from Houston for a fresh start. WE really thought we knew what we were doing. Then before Brody was born, God whispered something to me and everything changed. The climax.
I, ME, WE, US, MINE...all changed to HIS. 
The plot changed so significantly in that moment. Because, the happy ending was Jesus. The story wasn't over, but no matter what...the happy ending was Jesus. The diagnosis came. The days got harder and longer. The carefree days of the beginning screeched to a halt.
There is no end date to our story. Justin could pass away tomorrow...or he could outlive us all. Either way, the Macs don't end with that. Justin's sickness, his prognosis, his pain...that is our reality, but it is not our LIFE. Our life is laughter, companionship, hope, little boys, sarcasm, frustration, pajama days, hand holding and Jesus.
We arent a tragic love story. We are a dark comedy...which just so happens to be my fave.