Wednesday, March 25, 2009

i have been meaning post this....

Brody's 4 month pic :)

feels like a monday

I am still feeling so lost. I am still reaching for the phone to call my mom and I am still unsure how to channel my emotions. I pray hard many times a day for peace with the situation, but all the unrelenting distractions keep my head spinning in circles. I am so blessed that my mom was able to be my best friend for 24 years and I am certainly proud that she held my hand while Bryce was born, hugged me tight before I walked down the aisle and gave me her shoulder during the event of Brody's birth and hospital stays. Yet, I am still disappointed that I did not get her for longer. I am so desperately jealous of the people who had her in their lives for so much longer and I am so insanely hurt by the people who did not cherish every piece of her during that time. I am working on forgiving the people who hurt me so badly and left so much in my hands during the time of her death, but my heart can only handle so much.
What does help me continue to be positive when I have cloudy days like these is my little munchkins. Brody had his 6 month check up yesterday. He is 16lbs 5 oz now and the dr. said he looks incredible! Poor guy had to get 6 shots though :( Mandy, our OT just left and Brody was just a tad lazy today while working with her. He still did great and is really showing improvements in areas of muscle strength and tone (including sitting up!). We will follow up with the cardiologist soon to check on the ASD and watch his bicuspid aortic valve. Please pray fiercely that the ASD has closed completely. Bryce is his regular chaotic and charming self today. We enjoyed a great trip to the wildlife ranch over the weekend and he had the absolute time of his life. His first soccer game is this weekend, as well as yet another birthday celebration. He has learned to write his name and has now begun to write it EVERYWHERE. He continues to quiz us all on our spanish colors and of course (as always) test my ever lasting thin thread of patience. I have tons of pics to upload...but I dont feel like doing it right now :)

Friday, March 20, 2009

just a little nothing

Today I am missing the way that my mom loved on us. I miss how she would give Bryce jelly beans for dinner or buy tacos for 20 when it was just me, her and justin. I miss the way that she thought margaritas and salad was the dinner for queens. I miss her love of birthdays and I know that I will probably never have another birthday quite as special as my last 24. I am so blessed that I picked up her love for birthdays and celebrations and I hope one day my kids will look back and appreciate how big of a deal I made out of their birthdays!
This time apart from my mom has been extremely trying on my heart. The Lord gives me such amazing strength and through Him I can see the good about this all, but it is still tough. There are others that take away from my grievance and make it about themselves. There are people that I still cannot fully trust and I am not sure what their motivations are. I am trying to put my own feelings first for once and I have to tell you its incredibly difficult.
The boys are growing like weeds. I am pretty sure that Bryce grew 3 inches last night in his sleep. "Somebody" told him that when you eat and sleep like a big boy that you will grow big and strong SOOOO my precious little son sits in front of the cabinet all day picking out food to eat and walks around with his eyes closed and exclaims that he "is GROWING RIGHT NOW!" okaaaaaaay whatEVER. Brody is all OVER the place. Rolling into the kitchen and under the bed and scooting across the bathroom. He tries to jump out of the swing and chews on his toes on a regular basis. My muffin is turning into a peanut and I LOVE it!

Sunday, March 15, 2009

busy busy butterflies

I have been a little lazy on the posting lately because it has been harder to find time to sit down and let the words flow. I get emotional when I start to think too I have kind of been on auto pilot the past few days.
I miss my mom more than words can describe. I have finally purchased her urn and will soon be displaying her in my home. I think I found the perfect one that hopefully she would have approved of. Being around my dad was really hard because it made me think of my mom even more. I just hate that I cannot call her and tell her about our weekend....
The boys have had a very exciting past few days. Lots of playdates as always of course, but we also went with some fun friends to the Childrens Museum. The boys both had a great time. Brody took a ride on a cow...and in a miniature shopping cart (i am serious). Bryce rode in an airplane, drove a tractor, grocery shopped and basically bounced off the walls as usual. We had a great time with the neighbors and an even more fun time letting the tween girls carry Bryce around on their hip and "babysit" him! Bryce is just becoming the little socialite these days. I am concerned that my son is headed to destination politician. He stops strangers to say hello, he knows how to bat his eyes and get you do to whatever he pleases, he is extraordinarily bossy and always greets a man with a handshake. I have to say that this little monster keeps my plate full :)
Therapy went great for Brody last week. He is now officially 6 months so I am going to be making a check up appt. for him in the next few days. His lungs have been sounding a little crummy the past few days, but only because of the crummy weather. Hopefully we do not have to get back on the steroid to clear it out. I am doing xopenex puffers a little more frequently just to make sure his sats stay up.
I am thrilled that school starts back up this week. I have been needing an excuse to get back on schedule. I have been having difficulty getting motivated in the morning lately and I am ready to get my butt in gear.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

part 2

Lots of people take lemons and make mom would take lemons, add some limes and a few other yummy things and make margaritas. I am so thankful for the lessons she taught me about having fun and living in the moment. She never worried about tomorrow. She would tell me to stop planning so much and just let it happen. She would listen to any problem and then just say "oh we will figure it out"...she just didnt believe in sweating the small stuff. When she wanted to do something...she just did it. When she wanted something done, she wanted it done right then. It was her way or the highway and I really really will miss HER WAY.

I am still very numb from it all and slightly emotionless. When things are quiet I wait for her phone call and it always brings me to tears. When I sit down to eat dinner or turn on a tv show...I wait for her to call. She always called right when I started to do something and I will forever miss that. She always had the answer and always acted like each thing I said was the most amazing and exciting thing she had ever heard in her lifetime. Nobody can replace that, nobody can care as much as she did. There is not a soul in this world who will love my boys like she did. She spoiled them endlessly. I feel very sad that they will no longer have that. I am broken hearted that they will not understand the things she did for them and gave up for them. She bought Bryce everything he even looked at...and although I always told her she was doing too much for him...she would tell me to shut up and mind my own business...God what I would give to hear her tell me that one more time.

I love remembering her. I love the memories she left me. I love that everytime I see a butterfly or pretty flowers or something pink and gaudy that I think of her. Flip flops and mariachi bands. Costume jewelry and hair pieces. Palais Royale, french manicures, red toenails, big sunglasses and the beach. Slippers, spam, trash in the sink, the word delightful and Christmas. I thank God for each of these beautiful memories.

Monday, March 9, 2009

part 1

I am not really sure where to start this post. I lost my favorite person and I am not sure what to do. Each time I sit down and try to find the words to say...I end up deleting it all and walking away. I am blessed with beautiful memories of her and for that I will be forever thankful. My mom touched so many peoples lives...she was a mom to so many and a friend to even more. She gave me the words to speak at her funeral and those words were the exact words to say. I have never walked away from something more confident than after eulogizing her that day. I never thought that at my age I would go through the things that I have. I feel proud that God has tested my strength in so many ways...but I was not ready to let my mom go. I need my mom still in all aspects of my life. I do not know how to start my day without her phone call and honestly I am not sure how to make a complete decision without consulting with her. I know these are things that I will figure out over time...but the pain is so tremendous that there are moments when I feel like my insides are going to explode.
This past week has been excruciating in so many ways. I never thought that Justin and I would sit in a cold room making my moms funeral arrangements. I never thought I would pray so hard for help from family. I never thought that I would lie to my son and tell him that his MaMaMe was on vacation so he would stop asking for his daily phone call with her. I never thought I would see people steal from a dead loved one that did so many things for them. I never thought I would write a check to a funeral home. I never thought that I would cry so hard that I ran out of tears and all that would be left is a knot in my stomach.
These challenges that God gave me hurt so badly, but it WILL make me a stonger person. My mom was so proud of me and I know that she continued to be during the last week. I stood up and took care of what needed to be done. When one door shut in my face I found a way to open the next one. I made the decisions and I found a way to make it work financially. I struggled, but I still feel that I made my mom proud. I have so much more in my heart to say so the next few posts will be continuations of this one....please pray from my strength and for the healing of my family's heart. Please pray for my beautiful family that stood by my side....Brody's little giggle and Bryce's loving and oh so funny words and Justin's love for me that could never be expressed in words. I am blessed. I miss you mom.

Monday, March 2, 2009


We have been very busy lately and it has been wonderful! We finally have a great social life and awesome friends to spend time with everyday! We even took a trip to the zoo today which was a blast! Brody really liked riding on the train...I think he mostly liked the wind blowing in his hippie hair. Bryce had a great time running around with his friends and looking at all the animals. Bryce has his second field trip on Thursday (which I get to go to!!!!!) to HEB! Brody and I are really looking forward to tagging along with our camera :) Something new I learned today about Bryce is that he knows his colors in spanish! I do not know what we will do next year without Ms. Kelly our super great preschool teacher and friend, she has really enriched Bryce's life in such a beautiful way. We are blessed.
On to the sad part of the precious friend had her car broken into today while I was with her and I ask that you will all pray for the sad person who did this. What a sickening feeling to come out of a fun zoo trip and find your belongings missing. Also, my mom has gone into the hospital tonight. She starts her treatment tomorrow, but her pain was so excruciating tonight that my brother went ahead and took her in early. Her heart is saddened by the way my sister has treated her and I think that has a lot to do with her weak consitution. My sister continues to lie and make excuses for her behavior and it continues to hurt our mom. She recently requested to be friends with everyone I know on facebook and after sharing the story most of them deleted her. Our family that knows her is shocked that we are surprised how she is acting since she has always been this way...I mean what kind of person plans their wedding a week after their sister that is 20 years younger than them? we continue to keep her in our prayers and we ask that you do the same.
God Bless this blog that allows my mouth to stay shut and my fingers to do the yappin'! It is the most pleasant therapy that could ever be FREE!