Friday, October 18, 2013

real life y'all

I have been quite the crummy blogger lately. I have been working a whole bunch which is new for me, but so amazing! I have been blessed with the opportunity to work with a ministry founded on the idea of bringing Christ to youth. I have learned so much over the past few months as I have settled into this community. The sports world (which is soooo not my world lol) combined with bleeding hearts for youth combined with the GOSPEL is just almost too good to describe. The opportunity to bring the haves and have nots together for a week away from the world is a glimpse into heaven. No phones, no TV, no status updates. Just Jesus and a whole lot of fun.
I only attended camp a few times when I was a kid. Usually with one sweet gal who always invited me along to church activities. I love the idea of being able to send my kids to a summer camp that we don't have to get a loan for. I love the idea of sending them somewhere that I am CONFIDENT they will have the opportunity to grow closer to Jesus. There are so many incredible camps around Texas. So many awesome choices...but the Macs choose Still Water and we are PUMPED!

Around here we have been just doing life. School, sports, bible study...and all the regular fun fall things. Justin has enjoyed every last second of being home with us. He is able to rest AND spend time with me and the boys. The time is priceless. Not only because his future is so uncertain, but because we have all grown closer than I think we would have ever had the chance to. Don't get me wrong...I wouldn't choose for Justin to be sick if I had the chance, but this has given us a shot at a life of together-ness that I didn't know existed. I sadly grew up in a home without love. They loved ME, but they did not love each other. I grew up in the center of their worlds. Figuring that out as I grew was very difficult. It hardened me to many things and planted unhealthy expectations. I have had wonderful examples through extended family and friends, but nothing quite compares to the relationship between your parents. And I think that is even more so the case for me because I was an "only" child (only child in the house). I so so so wanted to fill my house with kids so that they could experience life with partners. I want them to know what sharing and forgiveness meant inside of a home. I desire for my kids to know that our home is their safe place...a place where we respect each other...a place where we love each other equally and we love our heavenly father most. I think my parents did a great job. I think they loved me so well. I think my dad sacrificed much to offer me the life I was given.  But, I did miss out on one key thing. I missed out on understanding unconditional love. I saw toxic love  filled with manipulation and insecurity. It has taken me a long time to swallow the fact that although my mom loved me so much, I was often a pawn in the game of her life. I forgive her and think she was an amazing mom. But, stopping to realize those things took a toll on me. Allowing a healing process to begin meant digging deep into memories I would have rather left packed away. I wanted to only remember the good times and the sweet moments...but that is not fair to me or my family. I have been carrying burdens around that I never realized I was carrying. My mourning in the loss of my mom was stifled by hurt and I didn't even realize. This is not a new revelation that came to me last has been an ongoing process over the past five years and I feel like I am so close to a place of setting it all free. I am realizing this morning that I indeed will NOT come to a place that is "normal." There is no new normal to have...there is just life to live. I have got to officially hand over the keys and that means I may have to clean out the trunk. I have tip toed around the junk in this trunk for a long time and in a a sweet moment on my knees last night He showed me some stuff I was glad to see. I went to Him for prayer over Justin as he had to spend the night in the ER and I just feel like He was giving me a little nudge. A nudge that reminded me that He has given me a voice, He has given me a great passionate spirit, He has given me convictions and He has given me a man that needs ME. My parents were surely around when I was created (gross) but, I am a child of God's. My parents raised me, but I belong to Him. He created us each so uniquely and it's time to stop expecting one another to look like the "mold" of a Christian. I have battled with who I am over the past 8+ years. And I am FINALLY understanding that He made us different for a reason. And... I am starting to like the way He made me ;)
Just a side note on J...he is home and resting. They suggested he be admitted, but of course he declined. Because he is just so... Justin. He has done too much lately and his body said STOP. His body can't keep up with his brain and that is something he may never get used to. He was able to get some IV fluids and steroids and felt better right away. It was a not so subtle reminder for all of us that we are not just living a fairy tale with a stay at home daddy. We are living life...real life.

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