Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Plan C

We have been trying to keep gravity on our side over the past few weeks. Justin's health has been on a mega roller coaster and we have been trying so hard to fight the ups and downs and stay low to the ground. We had some emotional loops (because we are human, duh) but we kept close to the word and that helped us stay close to the ground. See, the problem I specifically have been having is that I found out I have been lying all along. I have been saying for almost FOUR years that I trust in the Lord's plan and I KNOW that it will be good. I DO believe that..but I had set parameters for that in my mind. I decided that God would do one of two things...A. Heal Justin for HIS glory here on earth B. Heal Justin in Heaven (and while this was the less favored option, I have comfort in knowing that as believers we don't have to fear death). I decided how incredible it would be for so many to see and hear about His healing...knowing his struggle and knowing how we leaned fully on God all the way through. We also have had to have some very very hard conversations about option B. There is no mama in this world who wants to raise three young men without a daddy and no wife around who wants to let the love her love slip into the arms of Jesus before her. There is an unexplainable peace about knowing he would be with Jesus and that is BETTER, but a hurt that rises at just the thought of that which there are no words for. Those were the two options I had for God. Plan A and Plan B.
But, deep down buried inside that dark place where the very best secrets are kept was Plan C. Plan C is my worst case scenario and I think I can safely say that it is Justin's too. Plan C is where Justin is very sick and he doesn't get better. He lives every day with the most unbearable symptoms and dreads the sleepless nights and fears the pain in the morning. It doesn't seem like I thought God's plan was so great after all. Only the plans that I approved would do...
Please hear that we are not "claiming" Justin's sickness will continue to be long suffering. We are stating facts. Jesus is bigger than our facts.
Justin doesn't just simply live in pain and symptoms and fear, He lives in the joy of Christ Jesus. He lives with facts that are hard, but like I said...Jesus is bigger than the facts. A healing began last week when we looked at the big picture and Justin decided to fight quality over quantity. Justin wants to live. He wants to be present in our lives. It hurts him more than we can imagine to do just the most simple things like attend Bryce's basketball game or go hang out on a friends couch...but Justin wants to live. I am resetting my brain and my heart to TRULY follow God's plan for the family. His plan is better than mine, and I don't HAVE to see why yet. For by faith SO MANY of Gods' people didn't see His promises fulfilled on earth. So by faith we shall LIVE.

I attended the If Gathering this weekend with some friends. While nothing earth shattering was revealed  to me, it was a reminder that we are FREE and our suffering here is just a blip on the radar until His gates are opened and the party begins. It was a reminder that we are allowed to have different theological interpretations. It was a reminder that living with disease does NOT make your faith any less that those living without. It was a reminder that God doesn't want to USE us...He just wants to BE with us. Thanks for those continued prayers, ya'll!

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