Tuesday, January 12, 2016

restoration, ya'll

I have not written here in awhile. A little over 2 months actually.
Several factors play into why....
The holidays were hard. Nothing was the same. Everything felt rushed. I couldn't pull off everything I wanted to pull off and that was disheartening. Things just felt forced. But we smiled, enjoyed things in a different way and we got through it. The boys did fine and I survived. But, to be honest I couldn't wait for it to be over. January 1st couldn't get here fast enough. I took the tree down and put everything away on Dec 26th. My precious in laws took the kids for the week between Christmas and New Years and I just decompressed and recovered. Recovered from the past 9 months....and actually the past 4.5 years. I took 5 days to be quiet, rest, reflect and be still. I spent a little time with friends and a lot of time under my covers. It wasn't a sad hideaway under my covers like the first months following Justin's passing. It was a different kind of hibernation. It was a restoration. 

God provides restoration to his people over and over and over in the Bible. Dark and wicked places become once again filled with His light. When the Lord spoke to Jeremiah about the wasted land that had become of the towns of Judah, He assured that joy and gladness would be experienced again by those who loved Him. The people that looked to Him would experience abundant peace. His people would be restored. He would bestow compassion to His people even when they felt darkness all around them.

Let me say this...I haven't felt abandoned in the desolate darkness by ANY stretch of the imagination. I have never felt forgotten (I do HAVE had to be reminded of that on many occasions though). I have had the hope tank run a little low at times, but I have continuously been replenished by His goodness. I have sat in dark and weary times and I will sit in plenty more, but His light and His promises and His restoration will ALWAYS be enough. No matter the circumstance, no matter how big or small we feel it may be...our restoration is promised. God's word to Jeremiah reminds me that the darkness can overcome, but it is never to late to turn to His light.

Grief is quite the complexity for a one syllable little word. It is full of twists and turns and unexpected feelings. And the most surprising thing about it...is just how dang GOOD grief can be. When you see it, feel it and experience it for what it truly is. When you let go of the idea of it being a 12 step program. When you grasp the incredible individualism of it. When you let it be what it is and not something to move past or get over...well, freedom just seems like an understatement. Even restoration takes on a whole new meaning.

I don't believe that I will be fully restored until I enter the gates of Heaven. BUT, I have allowed myself to witness earthly restoration in some pretty big ways and I can definitely say for the first time in a VERY long time...that I am excited about tomorrow. I am looking into the eyes of my kids and seeing life and hope and perseverance in a new way. I am taking a page from the book of a 6 to 10 year old mind and standing firm in believing that what is in front of my face is GOOD. I am not looking behind in this moment or ahead in this moment...just AT this moment. I don't know any other way to experience God NOW if I don't look at NOW.

As I enter a new season of my life...I am not sure what the future of this blog holds. I have lots that I want to write about and so many things I want to share about this journey...but He hasn't shown me exactly what that is going to look like. It may be here, but I just don't know. I am MORE than honored, encouraged and incredibly humbled by those who have come alongside us at ANY point of this. It has been a long long road.

The route is changing up a bit. There are more detours and pot holes and inconvenient amounts of traffic ahead...but the road is taking me and my little Macs somewhere really good, and I am sincerely  excited to see where that may be. ** Disclaimer - As far as I know...this road isn't taking us out of town lol. So calm down - this road is just a metaphor lol) Our healing journey is not complete and I am so glad for that. We will never check "Justin" off the list as something we "got over" - we will never ever get over him. We will never stop honoring him and being grateful for every minute we had him in our lives. It's not everyday you get to do life with someone like JMac.


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