Sunday, May 11, 2014

mothers day and other things

Today is Mother's Day...obviously.
I have spent a little time this week reading blogs, open letters, memes and other various opinions on this day. Everyone has an idea of what Mothers Day should be. Some of the opinions I read/talked about this week were:
- Mother's Day is the one day a year I want to not be a mother and do whatever I want. 
- Mother's Day is just another stupid day invented by Hallmark to makes dad's everywhere feel inadequate. 
- Mother's Day is the BEST day of the year and I spend each second of this day basking in thankfulness that I have the privilege of being a mom. 
- Mother's Day is my day for pampering, breakfast in bed, gifts and flowers. 

There are millions others no doubt. Where does your opinion of Mother's Day fall? Is it as extreme as any of these? Maybe a combo of all?

I really want to set the record straight by saying I don't really know how I feel about mothers day. I mean I really do love a day dedicated to the mama. But just like the Christmas, anniversaries and birthdays where families don't have enough money/time/energy to buy gifts or have elaborate celebrations...sometimes families have to make a choice to set aside the typical expectations of how days like this should go and do their own dang thing. What about the family that is mourning their mom today and can't quite muster the energy to "celebrate her memory" or what about the orphans with no mommy to write a card to?

My favorite thing that happened today was this:
I came in and Bryce (who is always up before me) said "so, aren't we having a special breakfast today?!"
Uhhhh, about that, yeah we are not. Frozen waffles anyone?
Then his 8 (going on 20) year old self got up and made a folder of all the things the littles had brought home from school this week, he made me a coupon for a nap and wrote me a note from his brothers and himself.

I was really impressed and of course very touched. But, it also made me a little sad for him. When he realized that he was "in charge" of making me feel special made me want to cancel mothers day and rip that burden off his shoulders. In no world that I live in do I want my baby boy to carry the pressure "of my happiness."

Has anyone seen Rio 2? Sure is a CUTE movie. But how about that line...Happy WIFE, Happy LIFE? I know the world jokingly uses one liners like that for a smile and it's funny and the Mac's aren't trippin...we GET funny. But, if the wife ain't happy....she needs to some Jesus. And that's a fact. In marriage 101 we learn that NEVER will our husbands fill us up completely. Never once in the Bible does it say "hey husband, your job is to make your wife feel beautiful at all times , buy her exactly what she wants even though she never told you wanted it, plan pinterest worthy dates and plan to pay for it when you don't get it just right"

I checked again just now to be clear. It doesn't say that.

I grew up with parents who never took the time to know each other. They loved me dearly, but I watched my dad buy gifts for my mom each holiday that she ultimately hated and the sad truth is that he probably didn't really try that hard and even if he had...she would have had a problem with it anyways.

I don't want to miss out on my life because I am too busy being sad about my life.

Let me tell ya, I got plenty to be sad about. I fight back tears at least 5 times a day. I miss out on a lot of "normal stuff." I make commitments and then have to bail out last minute. I have to rely on sitters, my kids surrogate grandmas and Justin's minute to minute changing health situation. I am pretty sure it could be worse though. I caught up with a friend this week that never left his ill wife's side for 13 months. I am honored to walk alongside a friend who lost the love of her life in an instant. No chance to say goodbye. My best friend longs to bring her son home from DRC and there is not a darn thing she can do to make it happen faster. How can life continue on as normal when this is your reality?
I wonder sometimes if I met the grace quota. I have found it harder these days to stop and celebrate the joyous things happening around me. I am filled with JOY for those who have struggles that are different than mine, but for a few minutes I have to allow myself the freedom to seek grace tomorrow.   I just don't have enough for all the days. Jesus does, but sometimes I need to keep all that grace all to myself.

I turn THIRTY this month. I don't really wanna, but nobody asked me. I am going to new york with Katie for a long weekend. Justin and I spent his 30th birthday in NYC and we planned to do the same for mine. Justin can't travel and we considered canceling...but then God reminded me that HE is taking care of Justin. I am needed, I am his caretaker, advocate and ultimate number one fan. But, God orchestrated this trip because he wants me to LIVE this life. Justin LIVES life. He pushes it for a few days and then he crashes and burns for a few days. But, he sure doesn't waste those moments where he feels better then his normal crummy self. He never feels GREAT, but he never misses a chance to enjoy a moment. God provided me with a leader who is paving a path for me. And that path is taking this girl to NYC for the weekend to celebrate the end of my twenties. The village is stepping in ONCE AGAIN to love on my babies. All I can say is Amen to the gifts and blessings that are covering the junk. These beautifully wrapped gifts don't take the hurt from existing, but they provide an outer strength that comes from nowhere but that guy Jesus.
I haven't posted pics in here are a few!

One year ago this happened. Justin rededicated his life to Jesus. He still drives me nuts on a daily basis, but he loves life and he fights and he doesn't give up. He loves us all and that is so evident by his extreme desire to be healed. 

This is my beautiful mom. She also left a legacy of what it means to love life. Not to care what other people think and do what your heart tells you to do. 

And this is pretty random, but this is me. I know my kids look like Justin and all, but I mean really...tell me you don't see my boys in this pic!!!

 I had one request for mothers day. 
Because I am thinking the motto should be a bit more like...happy kids, happy mama. 

And lastly, for those of you who have supported Team JMac with one of the super fun ROCK. We have sold over 100 shirts in honor of Justin. This time around we are using booster, which allows us to keep a portion of the sale of each shirt. We will use this money to pay for medical travel expenses and doctors that are not covered by insurance. Do you have your shirt yet? Only two more weeks to purchase!

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