Sunday, June 1, 2014

love endures

I have not updated in a bit, because I have not been so sure what to say. It is a little more of the same around here. Justin does not leave the house unless he is going to the doctor or pharmacy...which is tough on him AND the kids. They notice. When his car is not here they say "why did daddy go to the doctor AGAIN?" When other kids ask where their dad is they almost always say "at the doctor."
His IV's and PICC line and bandages and sleeping patterns and nurses in and out don't even phase them anymore. It has become their normal. They hop right in our bed and sit right next to him and they get all tangled in his wires, but they don't care.
They are sad when he can't be at things or go do things with them...but they are never disappointed in him. They love him so much. So unconditionally. I ask them questions sometimes to check on their hearts...they don't feel like they got handed a bum dad or wish they had a dad that could do such and such. The way they look at him. The GRACE they give him...
The boys LOVE their daddy. They really really love him JUST the way he is. HIS love endures forever.

Love through a child's eyes is a precious thing. When we get older and we have seen and heard and felt too hurts more. Justin hurts that he can't love the boys in the ways he dreamed. It hurts him that he cannot love me in the ways that he imagined he would love his wife. Since the moment Justin got sick he has seized LIFE. He has not stop running the race. He has lived big and lived hard. He has said whats on his mind (and more), he has stayed up late and driven too fast. He has splurged on family vacations and memories and pushed when his strength had run out hours before. He has loved others like you wouldn't believe. That man, he stresses me out on the regular. And by that I mean like, all the minutes of all the days. He keeps me on my toes, but that keeps me closer to God...and that's where it's at y'all. When I look at the past three years as a whole...I feel happy. I know that through death we have seen life and through fear we have seen hope. The past six months have been the hardest of all. These months trump last summer's hip replacements and the summer in cleveland. These months hurt the hardest. There are lots of reasons why, but we can't quite put our finger on what hurts the most. It just hurts.

Weddings are a bit hard these days because I see this fresh start at love and I am jealous. I want that time back with Justin. I want to go back to our wedding day and even if this is the path God would take us down again...I would do it one million times. I would endure this hurt for all the days, but I just want one more moment of THAT. That sweet time when we looked into each others eyes and thought of nothing and nobody but the vow we were making before our family, friends and God. Gah,  marriage is beautiful.

Through the very most difficult days, God has reminded us DAILY that he is with us. He sends a laugh when one is needed. He sends encouragement in the most beautiful ways. Here are a few things that have made us smile lately...

I can't even handle this. We CAN NOT. I mean...177 + the 47 we sold the first time around = a lot of people who love us a lot. Some of the new treatments Justin is looking forward to will NOT be covered by insurance. And who are we to live in fear that God doesn't have every detail mapped out? 
We are not trippin'

Brody graduated from preschool. He will go to KINDER next year at Curington with his big brother Bryce. This guy makes us smile A LOT. 

I got to go to New York and celebrate my 30th birthday with this girl. We laughed, ate junk food, people watched, got separated on the subway, talked about life, talked about nothing, ate some more, laughed some more and had the most amazing time. I am lucky this one keeps me around...I can be a handful every now and again ;)

And THEN...this cutie pie was recognized at school and received the principals award for PE, the sportsmanship award for his class and all year honor roll. Bryce has grown more than ever this year...we are so proud of him for so many reasons, but mostly we are proud of his continued trust in the Lord. Plus, PE is like the best subject of the day. 

Cutie pies at Morgans Wonderland. If you have never been...go now. 

And then just one little quick pic of the precious wedding I went to last night. The love between the bride and groom made me so very happy...and these two dorks make me a little happy too. 

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