I have been "off" lately. To be honest I have been flat out sad, anxious, lonely and overwhelmed. I have felt a bit out of control and I also felt embarrassed by that. Since January the going has been tough around here. Typically when the going gets tough we get going....but I haven't been able to get one foot in front of the other and that has been disheartening. I am strong, faithful, I rely on TRUTH, I know where my enemy sits, I have accountability, mentorship and etc. Somewhere along this journey I convinced myself that we have enough going on around here and there is simply no time for my grief. Maybe I felt a little obligated to be grateful for all that is GOOD, because let's face it....so many have it MUCH worse.
So with the prompting from a few friends a couple of complete strangers I feel like this post is due.
Here are some things to know:
- I do not have it all together
- I forget something important every day
- I do not read my Bible every day
- I have a sitter come twice a week so I can work or just sit in my car in the quiet
- I only make it to church about once a month these days
- Sometimes I get mad at people who aren't hurting
- I never say no to eating pizza
- I am often jealous of people's family time
So, most of you all are very aware how imperfect I am...but now it is out there for all to see. I am sure there are some spicier things I could add to the list, but I thought this was sufficient for today :)
Hear me say this - I am GRATEFUL for the life God has entrusted me with. I am in awe of His sovereign hand on my life on the daily. I would NOT trade this life for any other because I would miss out on too many great things that have happened and happen in this one. I was intricately created by a loving God to care for these people. This life is good and full of reminders of how big He is and how small we are.
And now hear this - THAT DOES NOT MEAN THAT I ALWAYS LIKE IT.
I have been in a big fat phase of I don't wanna.
I was going through my Jesus Drawer...haha just kidding, I don't call it that, but I do have a drawer where I keep different talks I have done, notes from studies, etc. Anyways, I came across a talk I did last year about Brody. Gah, I love that kid. He was born mid hospital evacuation due to Hurricane Ike and he was born with lots of little medical issues that we were completely in the dark about. It was all such a surprise, and not the surprise party with all your friends kind of thing. More like if you were sitting in your bed reading a book and then out of nowhere someone dropped 100 gallons of ice water on your head. We were shocked, scared, confused and so on. At that time, God gave us an opportunity. We could sit in the fear and mourning and loss of what we thought our lives would be or step off the boat (Matthew 14:29). We looked directly ahead and set our eyes on Jesus and we got off that boat and we have never looked back. Brody has challenging moments. He is stubborn as all get out, he can be pretty unfriendly at times, he kind of likes to hit, he won't eat a dang sandwich, and he poops his pants at least once a week. But, at the very same time he can be THE most loving, huggable, snuggly, kissing, hilarious, tender, smiley, smart, yummy chunk of love on this whole planet.
I am getting to the point now...when Justin and I had Brody we didn't make a conscious "choice" to go ahead and love him just as he was. We did what was natural to us. Brody is our son and we wouldn't have him any other way. It wasn't easy from the starting line and it won't be easy as we race to the finish line but the Lord is close to the brokenhearted as we all run this race together (Psalm 34:18). Justin's health situation is far from easy and enjoyable. In fact, it has changed every tiny piece of the way we do life. Most of the time it flat out sucks. A "good day" here looks FAR different than what a "normal" persons good day may look like. If Justin is awake for two straight hours or if he drives to Walgreens...we had a "good day" - He even got to go to a work dinner with me the other night which was basically his first restaurant debut in months....that day was off the charts! We choose to find joy in these circumstances because its just too hard when you don't. I tried...and I don't like it.
Reading scripture and doing all the devos and singing all the songs don't FIX anything. Anyone can slap on a spiritual bandaid and then become disappointed when healing didn't occur. But, the TRUTH soothes us, shapes us, forms our hearts and that takes the sting out. Truth gives fear a swift kick and allows hope to enter the hurting places. Truth doesn't FIX anything, but it opens the door to this exciting place full of comfort, miracles, meaning and rest for our weary souls.
Peter fell, but at least he got off the boat!
Monday, June 30, 2014
come thirsty to the water
Sunday, June 15, 2014
super dad
When it comes to dads... I hit the jackpot. Not only do I have the best dad around, but I am married to Super Dad. I love them both for their flaws and imperfections. I love them for how they have loved me and my boys.
I want to honor Justin everyday, but here are a few of the many reasons why I want to especially honor JMac TODAY. He drives me nuts, makes my stomach hurt, allows me little sleep, makes my head spin and keeps me on my toes almost every second of every day. Being married to Justin leaves me often very lonely and desiring a partner for pieces of life. It is overwhelming to my soul to try and keep up with what will happen here from day to day. But, I couldn't imagine ANYONE who could do a better job at being my husband and being the daddy to Bryce, Brody and Braxton.
He loves the Lord with all his guts.
Justin knows what it means to suffer. He knows what it feels like to hurt and lose. He wakes up each day wondering if he will be able to get out of bed or if he will end up back at the hospital or if he will be able to eat. Never once has he turned his back on his faith. In fact, his suffering has brought him closer to God than I ever thought possible. He disciples and encourages and PROVES God's mighty power over his life on the daily. Justin is alive ONLY by God's grace and the TLC of Dr. Ben Stahl :)
He is funny.
I mean really funny. If he doesn't make you laugh then you need to have your funny bone examined. Like, for real. He is THE definition of off the wall. He is THE envelope pusher of the century. He will make you uncomfortable, but only if he likes you :) JMac keeps it real.
He is not selfish.
Justin has spent about 7 weeks out of the past 5 months in the hospital. The FIRST thing he says EVERY time he goes in is "don't worry about me...go take care of the kids and yourself"
He worries about me and the boys a lot. He fears that he lets us down by being sick so much. He wants us to have a normal life...but he is our LIFE. He shows us life, he shows us selflessness, he shows us faith and we wouldn't trade it for the world.
He puts us first.
Now let's get real and say that this didn't come easy for him. He spent a good portion of his life working hard to prove himself. He proved a LOT, but we got lost in the shuffle of the busy game of life. Justin found out that when you put your mind to something you can accomplish it all...but then over time he learned that all of that meant nothing without the foundation of Christ. He slowly watched the things he had worked hard for no longer be a part of his reality...it stings, but at the end of each day he has EVERY single thing that he needs. We all do.
He has legit discernment.
I like to pretend sometimes that he doesn't, because I don't always understand the way he processes...but the guy can sniff out the yuck, like real fast. The Macs have been around the block. We have been there and done that and seen the stuff. It took some serious crazy times and a whole bunch of prayer to get our hearts in the right place. Justin leads us like its nobody's business.
He is the best steward of God's blessings.
Justin trusts God hard core when it comes to finances. He is a giver. Sometimes I have to close my eyes as he writes checks. But here is the thing, Justin is smart with money. Like super smart. We have needed to be on the receiving end quite a bit as continued unexpected medical situations never cease...the way he takes these blessings and turns them into a way to cover our needs plus TRIPLE the needs of others is beyond me.
I am all in for this ride with Justin. I have to hang on REAL TIGHT sometimes as I learn more about trust than I ever thought I would need to. I have to remind myself OFTEN that what lies ahead is FAR better than any of us could imagine. This place that we are in where we have to lean on God like every minute of every day is HARD, but I am pretty sure this is just where He wants us.
Sunday, June 1, 2014
love endures
I have not updated in a bit, because I have not been so sure what to say. It is a little more of the same around here. Justin does not leave the house unless he is going to the doctor or pharmacy...which is tough on him AND the kids. They notice. When his car is not here they say "why did daddy go to the doctor AGAIN?" When other kids ask where their dad is they almost always say "at the doctor."
His IV's and PICC line and bandages and sleeping patterns and nurses in and out don't even phase them anymore. It has become their normal. They hop right in our bed and sit right next to him and they get all tangled in his wires, but they don't care.
They are sad when he can't be at things or go do things with them...but they are never disappointed in him. They love him so much. So unconditionally. I ask them questions sometimes to check on their hearts...they don't feel like they got handed a bum dad or wish they had a dad that could do such and such. The way they look at him. The GRACE they give him...
The boys LOVE their daddy. They really really love him JUST the way he is. HIS love endures forever.
Love through a child's eyes is a precious thing. When we get older and we have seen and heard and felt too much...love hurts more. Justin hurts that he can't love the boys in the ways he dreamed. It hurts him that he cannot love me in the ways that he imagined he would love his wife. Since the moment Justin got sick he has seized LIFE. He has not stop running the race. He has lived big and lived hard. He has said whats on his mind (and more), he has stayed up late and driven too fast. He has splurged on family vacations and memories and pushed when his strength had run out hours before. He has loved others like you wouldn't believe. That man, he stresses me out on the regular. And by that I mean like, all the minutes of all the days. He keeps me on my toes, but that keeps me closer to God...and that's where it's at y'all. When I look at the past three years as a whole...I feel happy. I know that through death we have seen life and through fear we have seen hope. The past six months have been the hardest of all. These months trump last summer's hip replacements and the summer in cleveland. These months hurt the hardest. There are lots of reasons why, but we can't quite put our finger on what hurts the most. It just hurts.
Weddings are a bit hard these days because I see this fresh start at love and I am jealous. I want that time back with Justin. I want to go back to our wedding day and even if this is the path God would take us down again...I would do it one million times. I would endure this hurt for all the days, but I just want one more moment of THAT. That sweet time when we looked into each others eyes and thought of nothing and nobody but the vow we were making before our family, friends and God. Gah, marriage is beautiful.
Through the very most difficult days, God has reminded us DAILY that he is with us. He sends a laugh when one is needed. He sends encouragement in the most beautiful ways. Here are a few things that have made us smile lately...
