Friday night after the funeral I didn’t want to go home. Our home was covered in things that reminded me of death and I just wanted to escape that…just for a night. I kept getting all these text reminders that God was with me. He was near to me in my broken place. And all I could do was lay on the floor and cry….I didn’t want God near to me at that time. I wanted Justin near to me. I wanted to feel loved and comforted by my husband. I wanted to feel whole because Justin was next to me.
It has been 18 days since Justin went to be with Jesus. 18 very very very long days. I thought the days in middle school watching the clock tick by during tests felt like long days….how naïve. These days feel like eternity. 18 days of waking up and forcing myself out of bed. 18 days of being a single parent. 18 days of being a widow.
Widow. A 30 year old, mom of three boys, WIDOW. Say that out loud without a lump forming in your throat. I dare you. It is disgusting. I hate that word. I have seen it in writing and next to my name and it infuriates me. I AM MARRIED.
But, here is the thing. Justin’s life on earth has ended. I feel like mine has ended. But, I have these three incredible boys who have so much life left. I know I have lots of life left…but I am not ready to go there yet. But, these boys. Gah. They lost their superhero. They lost the strongest man they ever knew. They lost their movie watching partner. They lost their daddy. We are 4 very different people grieving in 4 very different ways. The mourning doesn’t look the same, but it hurts just as deeply all around.
Right now we are creeping out of the shock phase. The numbness is wearing off and…let me tell you, I would prefer to feel numb. We are holding each other and falling asleep crying at night. We are joyfully reminiscent, but painfully hurting. God has been RELENTLESS in showing up in the dark with his LIGHT. Absolutely relentless. This is where we are:
The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not comprehend it. – John 1:5
We are in such a very dark place. I am lost. I am hurting. I can’t possibility in the good that He will bring from this.
Because we are in the darkness, but his light overcomes that darkness. We don’t have to understand or comprehend. It is just so.
The glimpses of joy we find through pictures, decorating our new home, kinder field trips, friends, beautiful and thoughtful gifts, crawfish and dogs…are BIGGER than the darkness. Even though it doesn’t always feel that way.
I am sharing daily glimpses of his light via social media, but I plan to sit and gather my thoughts here weekly. THANK YOU so much to everyone who has loved on us. THANK YOU for donating to the boys account at Jefferson Bank and on Go Fund Me. THANK YOU for dinners, laundry, laughs and quality time. THANK YOU for registering for the ONE LESS RACE (www.onelessrace.com) and for your support of Vault: Fostering Community. THANK YOU for honoring Justin.
Next week will be the Celebration of Life recap. Spoiler alert: It was freaking incredible.