Tuesday, September 1, 2015

the tattoo

I love talking about Justin. I love hearing stories about him from friends. I love seeing him through the boys eyes as they share how they remember him. It is surreal to hear from other people how JMac impacted their life...to know that the dude I planned to live my entire life with was not just awesome to those who lived with him. His high energy, sometimes over the top, honest and bold personality touched many.
Some days it takes everything I have to NOT think of him every minute. Not that there is anything wrong with thinking of him constantly...but the rest of the world hasn't skipped a beat. It has continued to turn and my resilient children are non stop action. School has started, sports have started, all the fall things have begun. I make time for my heart to sit still, but sometimes the loneliness & grief creeps in unexpectedly and takes my breath away. Filling out a quick form for flag football, emergency contact info at the dentist, that dreaded widow box at a new doctors visit...my person isn't here. My emergency contact is gone.
Even though it has only been 5 months, I want to steer my heart and brain (the best I can) to what is eternal. These past 5 months feel eternal, the healing time ahead feels eternal...but it IS NOT. My brain can't even begin to understand eternity. It overwhelms me to even try. This grief thing is hard...and while there is no wrong or right way to grieve...I have made plenty of mistakes. I have lost focus a few times and that has been and will continue to be the biggest set back in any healing.
One way that I have decided to take a step forward in focusing on the joy in Justin's return to his forever home and the hope in what is to come for me...is a tattoo. Yup, the permanent kind.

Don't worry. This decision was NOT made hastily. In fact I came across this word about a year ago. I loved finding a word that described a way I felt. Hiraeth is a Welsh word that has no exact english translation. It describes a longing for a home and a "forever" that I have yet to experience. When I have a longing for my marriage to Justin, I can remember that my forever is with him in Heaven...not here. And the semi colon...a semi colon is placed in a sentence when the writer chooses not to end the sentence. (yeah yeah, i know stuff about grammar even though my blogs don't typically reflect that!) The sentence just isn't quite over, so a period is not appropriate. The loss that I feel is real. The life that I miss is excruciating. The pain that I feel literally hurts. BUT my life isn't over. I may not be ready to lace up my boots and hit the ground running. I may not even be ready to put on my boots yet. In fact, I may not even know where my boots are right now, but I will continue to honor the legacy of JMac by LIVING LIFE. I'll find those super cute metaphorical boots by taking it one day at a time. Remembering Justin, honoring him and trusting Jesus. And for now, I have a new tattoo for my dad to roll his eyes at.

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