Wednesday, August 19, 2015

widow stuff

I am a widow.
Just as I am a female and a mother. I am a widow.
You wouldn't believe how many forms have a box to check for WIDOW.
Its like a punch in the gut when I see that word and check that box.

I am sure I could leave it blank and nobody would ever care....I mean WHY do they even ask? Unless they plan to give me a discount and a cookie, then it is IRRELEVANT man!

I just returned from my first family vacation since April 6th. A family vacation. 
It basically felt like a lot of days out of town where I had to wake up every morning and check a widow box and then continue to check it every hour on the hour and sometimes every couple minutes just for laughs.

I mean...I am exaggerating obviously (its what I do), but I was definitely constantly reminded of the giant Justin sized hole in our trip.
I didn't even try to take a family picture. It honestly didn't occur to me until after the fact.

We had a lot of fun. We laughed a lot and made new exciting memories. We did things we have never done surfing! We ate too much, got lots of sun and made the best of our time.
The boys talked about Justin constantly. Much more than they do on regular days at home. That was both very sweet and comforting and very hard and sad.

I want to talk about him all the time too. I want to tell him everything. Show him everything. Experience everything with him. He was the most fun guy I have ever known. But, I don't have the carefree heart of a child. I don't bounce back quite as easily as they do. Their resilience is so beautiful.

We passed the 4 month mark. Life is feeling different every day. The reality that nothing will ever be the same is pretty much set it...and not just with me, but with the boys as well. We will still have good days, great memories and moments ahead...but they will all be very different than what they would have been if JMac was here. I am so grateful that his large personality left a mark on each of us so we can forever have pieces of him (especially through brax). There are many parts of me that feel the sting of it JUST happening. It feels like 4 minutes ago. And then sometimes it feels like it has been an eternity. I had been slowly grieving the loss of my husband for a long long time.

Hear me say this, JMac was a top notch husband and father until his last breath. Literally, he gave it his all...which was quite a bit for a man that was dying. He wasn't perfect and I certainly wasn't either, but I am quite sure he died with very few, if any, regrets.

I have begun to "awaken" from the fog. I feel more clear headed...I am no longer numb. The shock is gone, the reality is set in and while I surely don't see a light at the end of the tunnel...I do now recognize that we did not all die alongside Justin.

I still don't leave the house much. I avoid HEB at all costs. I want to stick to surrounding myself with "safe" people. But, things are continuing to awaken. I am speaking to God in thankfulness again and not strictly in desperation. I am seeing sovereignty in things that I was positive couldn't have a light upon them. I am getting in a routine and getting a grip ya'll, because...Jesus.

I will end with this: a couple weeks after JMac died I text a fellow widower and said "I DO NOT SEE A LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL" - his response "STOP LOOKING"
I am not going to lie...I wanted to jump through the phone and punch him in the face. I NEED A LIGHT! How can I know what to look forward to if I can't see the dang light!?
But, here is what I have recently realized.
I can't see that freaking light....because I don't know what it looks like. I can't recognize it, because I have never seen it before. It shines before me, but it is strange and unknown to I can't see it.
I will see it and know it and feel it when the time is right. Until then, I will follow His word which is a light to my feet to navigate me through this path (psalm 119:105)...I can only see my feet right now. They are dragging along, I don't know where they are going, my shoes are on the wrong feet...but they are moving. And they are being moved in accordance to his word.


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