Friday, January 23, 2015

What if it doesn't get better?

What if it doesn't get better?


What if my husband is only awake about 5 hours a week for another 35 years?

What if he continues to suffer? And I continue to lose steam in the fight to stay strong and positive and provide endless care, mercy and grace? And the boys start to quietly tip toe back to our room to check on daddy less and less? And I continue to feel less and less like a wife each day and more and more like just a caregiver?

What if this temporary life starts to feel like eternity?

What if I start to have thoughts that leave me filled to the brim with guilt?

What if it doesn't get better?!

I typically steer clear from writing when I am hurting so deeply. I wait until God shows me the rainbow. I wait until my head feels more clear and my heart feels more full. I wait until I can reflect on the hard spot and how graciously God lovingly pulled me out of that place and back into the light of eternal perspective.

I have been tapping my foot with my arms crossed for weeks and that dang rainbow hasn't showed up. And I realized just a few moments ago that I don't have to "see" it to know it's there.'s there. That rainbow is hope and hope doesn't take a vacation.

I am allowed to feel alone. I am allowed to feel like it is unfair. I am allowed to really really really want my old husband back. I am allowed to hurt for my kids. I am allowed to feel so very broken.

And then I am allowed to take some deep breaths, get on my knees, close my eyes tightly and PRAISE him in this darkness. He is more than enough for me. I will not lose heart.

I will not lose heart. I will wake up tomorrow and bask in his majesty. He is waiting for me. And when I lose sight again of the glory that lies ahead...He will again wait for me. 10,000 times He will wait for me.

And it will get better.

Because, I know for a FACT that this is not our eternity.

In His word...Hope awaits. So, I better get my butt in the word.

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