Wednesday, October 31, 2012

humble pie for dinner!

When I get way bummed...I look back through old blog posts. I try to pick out posts from when I knew the day was worse than this. And if on THAT day I could put my chin up and shout some praise to my savior...than I can sure do that on THIS day.
With Stupid Sandy getting in our "honeymoon" plans way... (and thats what i am calling it. stupid sandy. you cant make me stop.) I have had to dig down to archives and find this post: my date with jesus it was sure one of more popular ones of last year. and while i never understand why people continue to keep stopping by here when there are legit people who use legit punctuation writing legit profound things...i am grateful for this forum to collect my thoughts and feelings. i am grateful that it isnt just my dad and nana that check up on us :) i am grateful for my community that continues to grow all the time.
soooo...i was having a pity party last night. (which i am great at fyi) i was huffing and puffing about my RUINED vacation. i was mad that the fancy river boat we were supposed to eat at flooded. i was mad that all the taxis and subways are under water. i was mad that a big fat stupid hurricane was ruining yet ANOTHER exciting time for us. i was mad that justin wasnt as mad as i was. i was mad that we were finally going on our first vacation alone and that it was now going to be the WORST TRIP EVER.
then i remembered how i had so maturely sat with my mentor and told her "i am just not going to have expectations, i know justin may not feel well and i will be content with whatever we may or may not be able to do"

Well thank you very much self. I didnt mean I wasnt going to have SOME expectations! I mean who was I kidding? My dear friend Laura and I had every minute planned out. Every restaurant mapped! I was going to be OK with the possibility that I may spend time in a hotel watching my sweet husband rest...but I was NOT ok with a stupid natural disaster stepping in and being STUPID.

Yeah. You can say it. BRAT!!!

So, my large slice of humble pie was served and I mourned the loss of my "perfect trip" and then I got over my self. I remembered that last year when we had this crazy out of nowhere date night together in a hotel...I spent this intimate time with the Lord that I couldnt have planned if I tried. What could I be standing in the way of this time? Justin and I will spend more quality time together than we have (outside of a hospital that is) just on the airplane ride. I quickly retract all of my whining and replace it with gratefulness. The fact that we are going anywhere at all is a gift. I can be assured that there is a bridge in New York City with hungry people under it. I stand in awe at my selfishness.

Mourning just goes that way. I wish we could see it before it hits. And before you think I am a loon for "mourning" a few itinerary changes on a trip...please know that I am pretty experienced in the mourning department and use that term lightly here.
I have mourned many times since college. I mourned when my parents divorced and the picture I had of a family changed forever. I mourned when we chose to have a baby before marriage. We had changed our lives with one decision and the picture perfect image of my life was changed. I mourned when Brody was born and our family dynamic became new and our perfectly mapped out family had become different than I had planned. I mourned deeply at the loss of my mom. My life will never be the same now that she is gone and is a daily work in progress to deal with. And now I mourn daily for the "new normal"...I am the odd man out 98% of the time. I have been blessed to the ends of the earth and back, but Justin's illness has changed our lives forever. I understand mourning. I understand that we ALL do it differently. I understand that Christ begs for our burdens, but sometimes we want to just clinch them in our fists for just a little bit longer. The sweet release of those burdens is like a big bowl of chocolate fondue. Sweet and rich and flowing with goodness. I feel so relieved in knowing that no matter how long I choose to be stubborn and sad and act like a tough guy...He is waiting patiently to carry that load for me. I have an opportunity to carry his easy yoke and light burden. I have the option to be new each day. hallelujah to that folks.
happy trick or treat day friends. please pray for our trip. pray that i carry His yoke while we are there...and not my own.

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