march 2nd

today is a day that i have been dreading for quite a few weeks now. on this day one year ago, i lost my very best friend. the day was just like any other...i talked to her several times throughout the day, while i on my way to the zoo with friends, when i got in the car to leave so i could tell her how much fun bryce had, while i was making dinner at home...and then after 7pm she stopped answering her phone. i called her and called her because i wanted to tell her about a show that was about to come on...i just assumed she had gone to bed early because she had not been feeling so well that day. i was really bothered at how unsettled feeling i was by her not answering the phone. i just couldnt figure out why i had this sinking feeling in my stomach. and then at 10pm i had made justin a glass of milk and we were getting ready to get in bed. finally my phone rang and and it was my moms cell phone calling me...but it was not my mom on the other end. it was a a stranger calling...a man...a doctor...calling to tell me the news i had been praying not to hear. my mom had passed away. i remember holding on to that glass of milk and not hearing a word that he was saying. i was dizzy and lost feeling and i just wanted to throw that cup across the room. the rest of the call is a blur. the rest of the night was a blur. i had to pack us all up and head to houston...to plan a funeral for my favorite person in the whole world. i had to make phone calls that were unbearable. just all very unfair. i feel very sad that she was taken from me...i still needed her and so do my kids. i feel angry that God wanted her with Him instead of me. but i feel honored to know how very much i needed her...but He needed her more. her purpose here was much greater than just me, she touched the lives of so so so many. she was a mom to tons of people and a friend to even more. what else was her purpose? why did He get her before i was done with her? someday i will know...
so today i just have this sinking feeling (it actually started yesterday) as i look back on this year without her. she has missed so much. i know she is with me...but its just not the same. she has missed birthdays and christmas and my pregnancy and braxtons birth. she does not get to hear bryce and kiss brody and hold my precious new baby. she was not at my baby shower, she missed bryce dancing at the christmas program, she is not here to talk to me about my days and help me solve lifes mysteries. i am reminded today of just how LONG she has been gone. i dont like today. i have prayed and prayed for strength and courage and i have given God my sadness and my burdens....but today is just a day to be sad. and i am ok with that.