Monday, March 9, 2009

part 1

I am not really sure where to start this post. I lost my favorite person and I am not sure what to do. Each time I sit down and try to find the words to say...I end up deleting it all and walking away. I am blessed with beautiful memories of her and for that I will be forever thankful. My mom touched so many peoples lives...she was a mom to so many and a friend to even more. She gave me the words to speak at her funeral and those words were the exact words to say. I have never walked away from something more confident than after eulogizing her that day. I never thought that at my age I would go through the things that I have. I feel proud that God has tested my strength in so many ways...but I was not ready to let my mom go. I need my mom still in all aspects of my life. I do not know how to start my day without her phone call and honestly I am not sure how to make a complete decision without consulting with her. I know these are things that I will figure out over time...but the pain is so tremendous that there are moments when I feel like my insides are going to explode.
This past week has been excruciating in so many ways. I never thought that Justin and I would sit in a cold room making my moms funeral arrangements. I never thought I would pray so hard for help from family. I never thought that I would lie to my son and tell him that his MaMaMe was on vacation so he would stop asking for his daily phone call with her. I never thought I would see people steal from a dead loved one that did so many things for them. I never thought I would write a check to a funeral home. I never thought that I would cry so hard that I ran out of tears and all that would be left is a knot in my stomach.
These challenges that God gave me hurt so badly, but it WILL make me a stonger person. My mom was so proud of me and I know that she continued to be during the last week. I stood up and took care of what needed to be done. When one door shut in my face I found a way to open the next one. I made the decisions and I found a way to make it work financially. I struggled, but I still feel that I made my mom proud. I have so much more in my heart to say so the next few posts will be continuations of this one....please pray from my strength and for the healing of my family's heart. Please pray for my beautiful family that stood by my side....Brody's little giggle and Bryce's loving and oh so funny words and Justin's love for me that could never be expressed in words. I am blessed. I miss you mom.